


On Love: Soulmates

by Oliver_966



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Anxiety, Clumsy Yuuri, Eating Disorders, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Humor, I curse like a sailor, Insecurity, Light Angst, Lots of Swearing TBH, M/M, Oblivious Victor, Past Eating Disorders, Romance, Romantic Soulmates, Self Harm, Sorry guys, Soulmates, Swearing, Tags are hard!, The angst is strong in this one folks, There's a lot of fluff to balance out the angst I swear, VictUuri, Victor/Yuuri - Freeform, also in the notes, current eating disorder, espetially from Yurio, insecure yuuri, just a whole lot of eating disroder, no banquet, occasionally heavy angst, okay its pretty angsty..., past self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-09-13 20:25:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 29,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9140941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oliver_966/pseuds/Oliver_966
Summary: In this world everyone has a soulmate, and everyone has their soulmates name printed on their wrists either from birth, or from the moment their soulmate is born. Everyone's soulmates name changes colors to tell their soulmate how they're feeling.Everyone is destined to meet their soulmate, although not everyone does.Yuuri is sure that unless he can get on the podium and be Victors equal, he will never truly meet his soulmate, as Victor is so much more important than him.At least that's what he thinks.





	1. Viktor Nikiforov is my Soulmate!?!

**Author's Note:**

> Geez!!! I thought I would never get chapter 1 out cause so many family members were visiting!!!! I'm rarely this busy during the school year!!! It took me a whole week to write this....
> 
> Forgive me!!! This whole thing is just a big jumbled mess tbh and I hate it buuut.... meh i'm to lazy to rewrite it and try to make it better and less shitty.
> 
> Hopefully you guys enjoy anyways!!!

Everyone on the planet had a soulmate.

Everyone.

And everyone had their soulmate's name printed on their wrist in their soulmates native language.

Everyone could even tell what their soulmate was feeling, as the color of the text on their wrists changed to represent the other half of yourselves soul.

When Yuuri was little, other kids bullied him for having strange symbols instead of letters on his wrist, while the other kids all had names.

Even Yuko had one, she had even already met him… but they never made fun of him…

They were his only friends… they even tried to help him figure out what the symbols on his wrist meant….

They also loved skating! Although Yuuri loved it more than anyone else.

Yuko and him also had one major thing in common, Victor Nikiforov.

They both loved him from the moment they laid eyes on him.

Yet sometimes Yuuri felt it wasn’t the same kind of love… which made no sense… they were both just fans who would never actually meet the amazing man.

Yet Yuuri felt connected to him somehow.

In 7th grade, Yuuri’s Gym teacher saw his wrist and furrowed his brows.

“So, your soulmate’s Russian huh… I doubt that’ll work out.” his voice was pitying and Yuuri hated it.

The man had always liked Yuuri, as despite how easily he gains weight, he took his athletics very seriously, unlike most boys his age.

Yuuri, on the other hand, didn’t like him very much, he was always telling him to forget ice skating because it was a girly sport, and join track.

Yuuri always politely told him he loved ice skating and didn’t want any part in track.

Still, Yuuri would be grateful in the future for the man's insight, even if at the time it was only a small joy.

He had after all given up on the idea of soulmates.

He needed to focus on his ice skating anyways.

He mentioned the news to Yuuko though, that afternoon at practice.

She was excited, but Yuuri didn’t really care.

He had an important competition coming up, even if it was only a local thing if he could win he would get to move up and maybe even get to participate in the Junior Grand Prix.

Maybe he could even meet Victor Nikiforov!

That’s why he pushed all thoughts of soulmates to the back of his head.

He got gold in the local competition but barely managed to get on the podium at regionals, but Yuuri kept working.

He worked harder than anyone else for an entire year and didn’t even think about his Russian soulmate until Google Translate came out and Yuko kept bugging him about it.

“Come oonnn!!! Come on Yuuri!!! You have to at least try!!! Pleeaassseeee!!!!”

Glancing down at his wrist… his soulmate was happy right now as he often was, and Yuuri’s wrist was bright green.

The Japanese boy wondered if maybe he really should give it a try.

‘Maybe she’ll be a skater like me…’ Yuuri thought to himself.

“Fine…” he agreed, so the next day he went over to Yuuko’s house after practice and she pulled up Google Translate

It took them a while to figure out how the program worked, both 14-year-olds struggling to work it, but finally they did it, painstakingly entering his soulmates name into the program and hitting enter.

They both stared in shock.

There was no way.

There was no way in hell that Victor Nikiforov was his soulmate.

“OMG!!! OMG OMG OMG!!! YUUURRRRIIIII!!!!!” Yuko squealed happily.

“You’re gonna get married to Victor Nikiforov and adopt kids and skate together and omg!!! You’ll make such a cute couple omg!!” 

Yuuri bit his lip… and closed his eyes, unable to contain how miserable this news had made him.  
Anxious thoughts were swimming through his young mind at a rapid pace, and he hated it. He hated it more than anything.

When Yuko noticed his distress she frowned, “What’s wrong…?” 

“I.. I… Victor gets… So many people always pretend to be his soulmate… Victor… he won’t believe that I’m really his soulmate! I’m j-just….me...” Yuuri’s voice cracked and he trailed off.

“...” Yuko was silent for a moment before grinning, “Then you’ll just have to work extra hard to become a skater, then you can meet him in the Grand Prix Final and fall in love and he’ll HAAVE to believe you’re his soulmate!”

Yuuri supposed it made sense… so he nodded with a wobbly smile.

He tried to hide his wrist after that… but he always looked at it during Victor's performances…  
Victor always felt the very emotion his performances were trying to convey.

He noted that when he fell on the ice Victor's name always turned orange with worry.

He wondered if his name turned that same shade on Victor's arm when he saw the bright red shade that indicates pain flashed on his wrist, or when Victor fell in a performance, as rare as that is.

He also found his wrist that same orange shade when he was having a panic attack or when he was sad… it comforted him to know Victor worried about him and helped him calm down.

After finding out who his soulmate was… he found his soulmate to be something that fueled his skating nearly as much as his love for the sport did.

Medal after medal, year after year, he just couldn’t make it to the Junior Grand Prix… he had no coach, and he couldn’t afford one either… so it was difficult for him.

Then one day, the most amazing thing happened.

A man from an American university in Detroit recruited him.

A few more years passed, years filled with training that lasted hours, sleep deprivation and straight A’s.

He did it though, he got a scholarship to a university in Detroit.

There he met a young man who wound up being one of his best friends, Phichit, and many other skaters.

And through a lot of work he made it to the Grand Prix.

Now he was here, and he was determined to place on the podium.

Determined to meet Victor as the closest thing to equals they could ever be.

“RING RING RING!” the annoying ringtone he still hadn’t bothered to change blasted on Yuri’s phone.

“Huh…, mom, she must want to wish me luck!” Yuuri mumbled to himself with a small smile, grabbing his phone and answering it.

“Yuuri…”

His mother sounded distressed… Yuuri sat up from his comfortable position on his hotel bed.

“Mom? Is everything okay?”

“It’s Vichan… I’m so sorry Yuuri! I didn’t want to tell you before your big performance b-but I knew you would feel bad later if I didn’t tell you right away”

Yuuri felt his heart drop…

Tears blurred his vision…

He knew his beloved dog had gotten sick… but he had hoped that he could see the poodle one more time… he was planning on taking a vacation home after the Grand Prix Finals…

“I… it’s okay mom… thank you for telling me… I-Is it okay if I go now, though?”

…..Yuuri isn’t even sure what she said after that, merely replying with a vague “Okay thanks… Love you mom…”

He hit the end call button before the sobs escaped him.

He was a terrible pet owner right to the very end wasn’t he.

He was never around for his dog… always busy with skating and other things….

If only he had been able to see him one last time…

Everything after that felt like a blur, being rushing by Celestino to get changed, skating his short routine, eating, sleeping, skating his free skate… reality didn’t even really kick in until he was staring at the scoreboard…

Victor Nikiforov won the gold… Christoph came in second, JJ got third… followed by Coa Bin, Michele Crispino… and finally… in dead last with the pathetic score of 232.59…. Yuuri Katsuki.

Suddenly reality came crashing down and he had to leave…. Sitting in a bathroom stall he called his mother…

A live viewing…

All those people… watching him fail… watching him lose.

“I-I’m sorry.” he mumbled before hanging up.

He broke down… it all hurt, this was supposed to be his chance!

He had worked so hard for this, and Vichan had been there supporting him all the way.

He was supposed to place, he was supposed to get on the podium, he was supposed to meet Victor Nikiforov, he was supposed to tell him that they were soulmates, they… they were supposed to fall in love…

He was supposed to finally be happy…. Looking down at his wrist to find that Victor was currently mildly happy… he found that recently his wrist was never that bright green shade.

It stuck to a darker green.

He hoped Victor was okay.

He had been hoping to ask him if he was soon.

Yuuri wants to go to him… he wants to really meet his soulmate!

He imagines the deep red Victor's name would turn, he imagines the accusations of “Liar, attention whore, and pathetic excuse for a skater” the far superior Victor would fire at him if he did, though.

His sobs are coming out strangling and choked and Yuuri just wants to be happy.

Then suddenly there was the Russian Yuri banging on his door, and that whole confrontation.

Yuri kept yelling at him to retire before suddenly freezing.

“Holy fuck!” he screeching, his eye twitching.

“You’re Victor soulmate!?”

Yuuris eyes widened, “W-wait, no! I-I’m not!”

Yuri continued on anyways “Holy fucking crap!”

“D-don’t tell him! Please!” it came out desperate.

“Tch, why? He not good enough for you? Bastard.”

Yuuris eyes widened “N-NO! I’m… he’s…. I’m… I think the universe made a mistake… I mean… I’m just…” how could he explain the feelings that had been burning inside him to this… angry Russian teenager.

He expected the Russian to yell at him more, but instead he just glanced away and grunted out “Tch… You know Victor doesn’t really care about that kinda crap… I mean… he…, just… you should give it a try sometime.” 

Yuuri stared “I… why are you…” there was a lump in his throat.

“I… I… I don’t know! Why don’t you shuddup you shitty moron! I just pity you that’s all!” and that was actually truthful, Yuri did pity him, he also got sick of hearing Victor whine about how he couldn’t figure out who his soulmate was.

“I.. I mean… I just thought you hated me?”

“Whatever! That’s what I get for trying to help you! Idiot! I’m fucking leaving!”

Yuri turned and stormed out, but right before slamming the door behind him he mumbled, “I was serious by the way… You should give it a try pig.”

Then the door slammed behind the angry teen and Yuuri was left alone.

Yuuri stared at the ceiling of the deserted bathroom for a while, feeling kind of numb to the rest of the world and unsure of how to deal with any of the things going on in his life at the moment.

 

‘He’s staring at us… I feel kinda bad for him to be honest.’

It’s gotta suck feeling so worthless compared to your soulmate, and Yuri felt kinda bad for taking his anger out on the Japanese man.

So he told him to just try approaching Victor.

Victor who had talked about how he couldn’t figure out his soulmate's name no matter how hard he tried.

Probably because he only asked Chinese people what it said, and entered it into Chinese to Russian translators. 

Glancing down at Victor's uncovered wrist, he discovered the other Yuuri was feeling anxious, a bright yellow color.

Maybe he really was gonna try it.

Yuri attempted to give him an encouraging smile… his grandpa would be proud of him for putting his anger aside for a moment and helping someone out.

He was always telling Yuri to try and make more friends after all.

That made Yuri briefly frown, before smiling at the anxious Japanese man again.

“Oh?” Victor turned around as Japanese Yuuri took a tentative step forward.

“A commemorative photo?”

Yuri wanted to hit himself at the pure absurdity of the whole scene.

“Sure!”

Victor's wrist was the yellowish-orange shade indicating humiliation.

Yuuri turned and walked away, a dark cloud seeming to hang over his head.

“What? Did I do something wrong?”

“That, you idiot, was the Japanese Yuuri. He placed 6th remember.” I nearly added on that he was Victor's soulmate before remembering Yuuri’s desperate plea to not.

‘Fine. Just this once I’ll listen to what someone asks me to do but it better not come back and bite me in the ass.’ Yuri thinks to himself grumpily.

Secretly he also enjoyed tormenting Victor a bit.

Victor winced “Oh… whoops”

Yuri grunted, mentally grumbling about how all these people were stupid and he didn’t want to get involved in their dumbass romance.

Meanwhile, Yuuri Katsuki felt like fucking shit.

‘Welp, there’s my proof. Victor will never want to be with someone like me… I’m useless and the universe made a mistake.’

 

Victor felt terrible… he had treated a fellow competitor like a common fan.

He usually made a point of befriending all competitors, especially at the Grand Prix Final, but somehow Yuuri Katsuki always managed to avoid him.

On the flight home, Victor streamed videos of the younger mans skating.

He skating was amazing, even if he didn’t always land the jumps and never had very many quads in his routines, his footwork was so fun to watch.

His mediocre technical scores were made up for by his performance scores.

He seems so passionate during his routines, Victor found himself watching more and more.

He barely even notices Yuri groan and hit his head against the back of his seat in frustration, and is too entranced by Yuuri Katsuki’s skating to care.

Victor finds himself hoping that he’ll have the chance to compete against the other man again one day when he’s skating to his fullest.

When Victor voices his thoughts to Yuri, the younger just screamed irritably.

When he got back to Russia, he was quickly distracted by other things, and Yuuri Katsuki sunk to the bottom of his mind.

Until Mila sent him the video.

It felt like… it felt like Yuuri was hesitantly reaching out to him somehow.

He needed to see Yuuri.

So he left to coach the younger man, much to Yakov’s dismay.

On the plane ride, he read what the tabloids had to see about his soon to be pupil.

So he’s been considering retiring.

Not for long!

He chances a glance down at his wrist and frowns.

His soulmate has been rather depressed recently… the man four years his junior who’s name that he still can’t read. 

No translators worked and no one he knew could read the words.

He considered taking a picture and posting it to his Instagram to see if any of his followers knew how to read the strange language that can’t be Chinese but has to be something like that…

He still remembers the day the symbols formed on his wrist, he got super excited, running up to his mother that day a little bit before his 4th birthday.

His mother wrapped him up in a hug and told him his soulmate had just been born and that the symbols spelled his name.

Then his mother frowned, telling him sadly that the name was written in a different language, most likely Chinese, and that she couldn’t read it.

Young Victor hadn’t been concerned, sure that love would come through.

Now he’s starting to get a little bit skeptical about the whole thing… but he knows he really does care about his soulmate.

He hopes his soulmate feels better soon, and that that dark blue changes to a bright green.

Victor brush’s thoughts of his soulmate aside, though, and decides to take a nap, after all, he’s got a pretty long flight ahead of him!


	2. Victor Nikiforov is my Coach?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor appears as the hot springs and Yuuri dies inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ^-^ You guys are amazing! Everyone that's given me kudos THANK YOU. Everyone that's commented THANK YOU SOOO MUCH!!!! Without you guys, this chapter definitely would not be out already! Every comment makes me so happy.
> 
> You guys seriously have no idea, I really can't put into words just how much I appreciate all of you so much!

“Starting today I’m your new coach. I’ll make you win the Grand Prix.”

Yuuri blinked once.

Yuuri blinked twice.

Yuuri blinked thrice.

Yuuri blinked a whole lot.

Victor was still there, though.

‘...Well if he’s not a hallucination…..’ he stood there wide eyed for a moment trying to come up with a reason that Victor was standing in front of him, naked, claiming to be his new coach.

‘A dream!’ he realizes suddenly.

Yuuri pinches himself once.

Yuuri pinches himself twice.

Yuuri pinches himself thrice.

Yuuri pinches himself a whole lot.

‘...Well is he’s not a dream…..’

‘Holy crap!!!! IS HE ACTUALLY HERE!?’

Yuuri opens his mouth to say something but merely winds up opening and closing his mouth in shock.

His soulmate is right there!

Talking to him!

“Yuuri? Are you okay?” Victor raises a brow in concern.

Yuuri nods mutely.

If dying of embarrassment is possible Yuuri is sure he would be dead on the spot.

“Yuuri, where are the towels?” Victor coos with a grin.

“I-I-I!!! Right over h-here! U-Umm, l-let me get you one!!!!” Yuuri winds up frantically trying to grab a towel and dropping nearly all of them.

“Oh!! Uhh hold on one second!” Yuuri

‘I’m gonna die!!! Someone kill me!’ Yuuri stuffs the now dirty towels in a pile, mentally promising to wash those and apologize to his mother for that.

He turns, and trips over a stray towel.

He’s sure he’s such a deep red by now that it could break a world record.

“Yuuri? Are you okay?” and Victor is now reaching a hand down to help Yuuri up

His name is written there… the color is what one might expect, the orangish-yellow that indicates deep embarrassment.

Yuuri swears there’s a hint of green there, though… he doesn’t feel happy, though… does he...

After thinking about it… he supposes there’s a part of him that’s happy about Victor being here.

About Victor wanting to be around someone as useless as him.

“V-Victor…,” he mumbles… and he notices that the green in his name on Victor’s skin becomes a bit more vibrant, pushing away some of the humiliation.

Victor helps him up with a smile “Yuuri, you’re so clumsy off the ice!”

Yuuri melts at the small chuckle that escapes Victor’s lips when he says this.

“Y-Yeah! I guess I am” Yuuri laughs nervously, relaxing a bit.

He finally manages to hand Victor a clean towel, “I can get you a robe if you want!” he blurts out.

“Oooh! Yuuri so fancy! Go ahead and get me one.”

After Victor dries off, Yuuri hands him a green robe and shows him inside.

Victor has dinner with his family…

His mother seems to adore Victor and his charms.

His father also gets along great with the Russian.

Yuuri can barely speak throughout the whole meal, not with his idol and soulmate sitting right there.

“So Vichan, you’re going to stay here and become Yuuri’s coach right!” the Japanese man’s father asks with a large grin.

Victor just nods “Of course! That’s why I came to japan after all!”

Yuuri, whose skin had begun to return to its usual color, flushes once again.

“The food here truly is delicious. Did you cook this?” the silver haired skater turns to Yuuri’s mother with a smile.

She grins “Such a flatterer Viichan! I did cook this!”

“So Yuuri, you’ve been quiet all night, aren’t you happy that Victor is here. You’re a big fan after all, you’ve got all those Mphhh MmMmm???” Yuuri sticks a hand over his father mouth.

“Hahahahahaha! So funny tousan! HahahahHHAHH!” he laughs nervously, letting his hand fall from his father’s face.

His father blinks a bit in confusion before giving a shrug and going back to his food.

Yuuri notices that his mother and Victor are staring right at him and smiles, “Soo… uhh… Victor, how was your flight?”

With that, the attention is off him, and Victor begins to talk about the flight to Japan.

Yuuri slinks to his seat and lays his head down on the table, ‘Oh my god, I can’t believe he was going to mention the posters! How embarrassing!’

He sighs and listens in on the conversation for the rest of dinner, not really joining in.

When his mom goes to get the dishes from the table, Yuuri jumps up, desperate to get away from his idol “I’ll get it Ka-San!”

His mother shook her head “No no, I’ll get it tonight. We’ll leave you and Victor alone for now.”

Yuuri is sure she winked at him….

Once they’re alone Victor lays down and glances over at Yuuri.

“Yuuri, your parents sure are nice… and your mom cooks such good… food…” Victor kinda trails off, yawning a bit.

Yuuri flushes, as it is undeniably cute and hot at the same time.

“Y-Yeah! They’re great parents!”

Yuuri smiles at the thought of the two, even if they are embarrassing they’ve always been so supportive of him.

He opens his mouth to continue the conversation when he realizes Victor has already fallen asleep.

“Uhh…” he blinks, unsure of what to do.

So he just sits down and awkwardly stares at Victor.

Looking at his wrist he finds that his… coach?... is peaceful at the moment.

Yuuri wonders if he should tell him…

‘No way, he would never believe me.’ Yuuri decides.

All of the sudden Yuuri realizes… if Victor is his coach, there’s no way that he’s competing, which means he’s lost his chance to ever get on the podium with Victor.

That comes as a bit of a shock… getting on the podium with his soulmate has been his goal in life for years.

He feels kind of empty now.

Before he can think about it anymore, the door to the room slams open, and Minako is staring with wide eyes at his unexpected guest.

“WHY IS VICTOR SLEEPING IN ONE OF THE INNS ROBES!?” she all but screams, pointing in shock at the Russian.

Yuuri honestly isn’t sure how to answer her so he just mumbles “He soaked in the hot springs and had dinner, then fell asleep.”

“It’s big news in Russia. He’s taking the next season off to consider his next move.” Minako states, having calmed down a little,

Yuuri supposes that makes sense… Victor is getting older…. But why is he here!

“They’re also saying that when he saw the video of you skating his routine, he was struck with inspiration, and that’s when he decided to be your coach.” Minako continues.

Yuuri stares at his wrist.

Is it possible that it was because they’re soulmates, even if Victor obviously doesn’t know that… maybe they really were destined to be together no matter what.

All he says out loud though is “Huh!?”

“Victor came here because he chose you Yuuri”

‘No… Victor would never choose me… why would Victor choose me… I’m a failure as a skater and as a person!’ Yuuri argues mentally.

“You brought him here!”

‘No! There’s no way! Why would Victor….’

“That’s incredible!”

Yuuri stares at his covered wrist and clutches right where his heart feels like it’s beating out of his chest.

All of the sudden Victor sneezes, and both Yuuri and Minako jump.

Victor yawns and sits up.

“Oh, he’s awake,” Yuuri announces needlessly.

“I’m starving. Hungry” Victor mumbles, his robe slipping, revealing part of his chest.

“Huh?” Yuuri’s shocked.

Victor has been so full he had fallen asleep only moment before!

“He still wants to eat?” Minako voices his thoughts.

“U-UM! What would you like to eat?” Yuuri ignores his confusion, he must just have a fast metabolism.

‘That must be how he maintains…. That body…’ Yuuri can’t help but think, staring at the area where Victor's robe slipped for a moment.

“Hmm...:” Victor looks down, appearing to be in deep concentration.

“As your coach, I’d like to know what your favorite food is Yuuri.”

Yuri flushes “W-What?”

“Your favorite food Yuuri, the meal you missed the most when you trained in Detroit. The food you daydream about.”

“Uhh… That would be Katsudon.”

Victor grins, “Get me that.”

So Yuuri scrambles to find where his mother wandered off to.

“Kaasan! Can you make Victor some katsudon! Please!”

His mother smiles and nods, “Okay, but just this once, I usually don’t like to cook after dinner you know, but Victor is your soulmate after all.”

Yuuri’s eyes widen.

“Y-Y-Y-YOU KNEW!!!!”

“Of course I did, I’m your mother, besides, he may not be able to read your name but I can, and it’s printed right there in orangish yellow on his wrist.”

Yuuri flushes, “Aww, Yuuri. It’s okay to be embarrassed!” his mother grins, and reaches up to pinch his cheek.

His mother cooks the meal faster than she ever has before and brings it out to Victor, dragging a still shocked Yuuri behind her.

“WOW! Amazing!” Victor cries in English.

“Our specialty! The Kastudon, extra large.” his mother smiles.

Victor takes one bite and yells out “VKUSNO!”

Yuuri isn’t sure what it means as he doesn’t speak Russian but he’s sure it must be good as Victor continues, saying “Definitely too good for words! Is this what god eats?”

Yuuri smiles, maybe he and Victor really do have a lot in common!

Skating and katsudon are his two favorite things after all.

“I’m glad you like it.”

Yuuri finds himself feeling a bit more comfortable.

Until Minako opens her mouth, “Yuuri gains weight easily, so he was only allowed to eat it when he won a competition. Right?”

Victor smiles, in a way that Yuuri will eventually come to recognize as his manipulative smile.

“Oh? So have you eaten any katsudon recently?”

Yuuri smiles and nods “Yes, yes. I eat it often.”

“Why? You haven’t won anything.”

Yuuri freezes.

“With that pig's body of yours, lessons would be meaningless. You need to get back to the weight you had at last year’s Grand Prix at least.”

Yuuri finds himself squirming uncomfortably all of the sudden, oh god how large was he now that Victor noticed that easily.

He bites his lip and tries to ignore the anxious thoughts building in his head.

“Or I can never coach you”

Or not. Yuuri feels himself shaking slightly… god, he really was useless…

He couldn’t make the podium and meet Victor the way he had wanted to, he had let himself stress eat until he got fat, and now here his idol and soulmate is telling him he’s fat.

So fat that if he doesn’t lose some weight he won’t be able to be around him anymore.

The rational part of Yuuri’s mind tells him Victor means that if he doesn’t lose some weight he won’t be able to compete… still, Yuuri can’t help the insecurities building up in his mind.

“Until then, no more katsudon, okay little piggy.”

Yuuri nods, “O-Okay!... I kinda feel like I should be offended, though….” Yuuri laughs awkwardly.

“Hey, this luggage is in the way” Mari sticks her head in the room, and pointing at several piles of luggage.

“Oh, can you take that to where I’ll be staying?”

Yuuri and Minako both blink “Staying?”

Yuuri thinks he might die.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter you'll get some of Victor's pov and we'll start to drift away from canon a little more! 
> 
> This chapter stayed pretty close to canon, nearly word for word tbh, but I hope it was still enjoyable.
> 
> I hope everyone had a happy new year and a great winter break!
> 
> T~T (Cries cause school starts again tomorrow and I don't wanna get up in the morning and go to tennis practice ;~; )


	3. Victor Nikiforov Still Doesn't Know We're Soulmates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor flirts with Yuuri, Yuuri thinks about his childhood and works out a friken ton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So someone recently pointed out that it's unrealistic that Victor wouldn't have figured out that Yuuri's name is written in kanji, and I just wanted to adress this to everyone.
> 
> I know. XD, I'm well aware of the fact that it's very unlikely that something like this would ever actually happen if soulmates where a thing.... One of the things I have the most trouble with when I'm writing is planning.
> 
> I try to plan too much, I obsess over making sure there are no plot holes, and doing this makes me hate writing. It makes it stressful and anxious and so when I first started writing this I told myself. "Have fun with this."
> 
> Most people seem to like it, and that's really encouraging, but I won't lie, I feel kinda down now... I want to say I can handle criticm but honestly, I can't unless it's worded in a nice way. 
> 
> So I hope most of you can continue to enjoy this despite having to kind of stretch your imagination to make it beleivable... I really like writing this, it's the most fun I've had writing something possibly ever, and so I hope you guys keep liking to read it.
> 
> Your comments and kudos make me happier than you'll ever know!
> 
> (Also sorry this took so long to get up, I'm actually sick and so it's short and probably not very good but I needed to get something up! So hopefully it's still enjoyable.)

“Yuuri, tell me everything about you”

Yuuri wondered how it is that one minute Victor could be insulting him, and the next he could make his heart beat faster than it probably should even be able to.

“What kind of rink do you skate at?”

Yuuri’s eyes are wide.

Victor’s hand is cupping his cheek.

“What’s in this city?”

Yuuri can barely breathe.

Victor is scooting even closer to the Japanese man.

“Is there a girl you like?”

Yuuri wonders if Victor actually knows that they’re soulmates, and he’s testing him.

Victor moves his hand down to grasp Yuuri’s hand.

“Before we start practicing, let’s build some trust in our relationship.”

Yuuri can’t handle it anymore, turning completely red and throwing himself back.

Victor blinks in confusion.

“What? Why are you running away?” Victor calls.

“Uhhh…. NO REASON!” Yuuri cries in embarrassment.

In reality, he’s still nervous being around his soulmate. 

* * *

Yuuri lay in bed, now that Victor had finally gone to bed and stopped asking Yuuri to sleep with him…(Yuuri is still dying inside about that) thinking about what had happened over the past 24 hours.

His soulmate and idol had appeared out of nowhere and states that he would be Yuuri’s coach now.

How does one even react to that?

Yuuri can’t even talk to him because he’s always put the silver haired man on such a high pedestal.

To make matters worse, Victor didn’t seem to be aware of the whole soulmates thing.

‘Or maybe he does know, and just doesn’t want to be stuck with someone as incompetent and fat as me…’

Yuuri sighed, and ran a hand through his hair, the other hand lying on his stomach.

His room suddenly felt smaller than it ever had before.

“It’s so hot in here… I need some fresh air,” he mumbled, pushing himself out of bed and stumbling tiredly over to his window.

Pushing it open, he found himself feeling a bit better.

Yuuri leaned on the wall by the window and thought about what Victor had said earlier…. About his weight.

It almost reminded him in a way of kids used to say to him after school in junior high.

_“Piggy! How do you even walk with all that fat weighing you down?”_

When he was young he had wanted to fly on the ice, but everyone told him he was too heavy.

So being 13, he took care of the problem in the only way he could find.

Sometimes, even after all these years, Yuuri swears he can still taste the acid on his tongue from when he purged.

In his nightmares, he can still feel the hunger in his gut.

He had done everything possible at that time in his life to make himself skinny.

And all of the sudden taunts of _“Piggy”_ turned into whispers of _“Do you think he’s anorexic or something”_

He just had only wanted to be liked.

All the rejection and hatred hurt his fragile heart too much.

When Yuuri closes his eyes, sometimes he still sees the red dropping from his wrist and mixing with the stream of water coming from the shower.

Yuuri, being young, thought it was helping him.

He told himself that even if no one else could like him then at least pain could.

Sometimes Yuuri would try to stop, staring at his wrist, at Victor’s name.

He found that no matter what Victor was feeling at that moment, it comforted him.

Then the kids at school found out.

_“Attention whore!”_

_“Do you want our pity?”_

_“Emo!”_

He hated it.

He hated it so much.

For a while, Yuuri skated to his hate.

He skated to his hatred of the teasing, to his hatred of his weight, to his hatred of his inability to just diet like a normal strong person, and especially to his hate of himself.

Hate can only get you so far, however, and Yuuri had to learn that.

He isn’t sure exactly when it happened, but at some point, his skating became less about hate and more about sorrow.

Then he learned that the only real way for his skating to be its best would be to skate for acceptance, for love, for compassion.

He had been given those things by so many people, his family, his friends in Hasetsu, Celestino, Phichit, and so many other people.

So he skated for them and made it to the Grand Prix Final some way or another.

Yuuri sighed, and took another deep breath, brushing thoughts of his childhood away, not wanting to think about those things anymore.

‘It’s not like it’s a big deal anymore, I’m fine now.’

“Besides, Victor can’t think that little of me… he was just flirting with me wasn’t he…” Yuuri reasons with the negative side of himself aloud.

So Yuuri steps away from the window and goes to bed, shockingly actually managing to get some sleep.

Even more shockingly… he finds his heart pounding, not from pain, but from happiness.

Looking at his wrist right before he falls asleep, he finds Victor is also happy.

Happier than he has been in a while.

* * *

 

The next morning, Yuuri starts his new workout routine, running behind Victor….

Victor is on a bike.

But Yuuri knows that if he wants to back into shape he has to do this.

It isn’t so bad once he gets used to it anyways.

He feels so much more energized at the end of the workout than he ever did when he was in middle school….

Plus once they get to the rink, he gets to watch Victor skate.

It’s just as beautiful as he remembers it being, even if the other skater is just practicing.

Yuuko and the triplets also seem excited.

He pulls Nishigori aside to talk to him about setting this up as their home base.

Nishigori agrees right away.

“Victor teaching you himself... it’s like a dream come true!”

Yuuri nods with a small smile.

“...Are you guys together yet?” Nishigori whispers.

Yuuri flushes, “No, No!!! He… he still doesn’t know.”

Nishigori frowns, “Aren't you going to tell him?”

Yuuri shrugs.

He honestly doesn’t know what to do about that whole situation.

“If you don’t... I mean this is japan… someone will.”

Yuuri knows… he honestly can’t believe Victor hasn’t already figured it out.

He’s not sure if he’s glad or not....

He doesn’t want to tell him… but he doesn’t want Victor to think he’s been lying to him.

Yuuri isn’t sure what he wants.

Nishigori looks like he’s going to say something when Victor interrupts.

“The little piggy can’t enter the rink until he drops some body fat.”

Yuuri winced.

Yuuko’s eyes widened, and Nishigori glances over at his wife.

Victor Nikiforov or not…. Yuuko doesn’t let anyone call Yuuri that.

Not after what happened.

“Victor!” the woman yells.

“Hmm?” Victor turns to her in confusion.

“Don’t call Yuuri that.”

Yuuri flushes, “Y-Yuuko, stop. I’m not 13 anymore. You d-don’t need t-”

Yuuko cuts him off “Yuuri I don’t care, I don’t want to hear anyone call you that again, and I know you’ll never tell him to stop.”

Victor blinks in confusion, and a glance at Yuuri’s wrist shows that he’s deep in thought.

“Okay.” he finally says with a grin.

Everyone turns to him.

“I won’t call Yuuri that anymore if he doesn’t like it!”

With that, Victor starts skating again.

 

* * *

 

Yuuri works out a lot over the next little while.

It’s like he’s almost constantly running, dancing, or doing some type of exercise.

Yuuri finds himself doing jumps on benches while Victor sits with him often.

“Do you have feelings for Minako?” the other skater randomly asks one day.

“WHA!? N-No!” Yuuri exclaims.

‘Only for you.’ he can’t help but think.

“Do you have a girlfriend?”

“No,” Yuuri says, sitting down to take a break.

“Any ex-girlfriends?”

“N-No comment!”

“Ohh, are you saving yourself for your soulmate?”

Yuuri flushes, and nods.

Victor smiles, a bit sadly.

“Me too… though I don’t even really know their name…. I do know that whoever it is is sad too much. I want to make them happy when we meet.”

Yuuri wants to tell him he’s already made him happy.

Suddenly Victor perks up.

“That reminds me! Someone told me once that these might be kanji! Can you read it?”

Yuuri finds himself looking at his name…

He’s happy and embarrassed right now.

He wonders what color Victor’s name would be if he pulled up his sleeve.

“I-It Uhh… I-I-I’m…. It’s….”

Victor seems to take this as him not knowing.

“Aww… here I thought I had finally solved the mystery. I guess it’s kinda reassuring, though if it really was just kanji I guess I would feel a little stupid…” Victor shrugs and tries to smile.

Yuuri reaches down at the hem of his sleeve, about to show Victor, unable o use his words at all when Victor suddenly changes the subject.

“Yuuri! What’s that castle over there?”

Yuuri blinked… that was random…. “Oh, that’s Hasetsu castle I guess”

He shrugs, not sure why Victor is suddenly asking about this.

“Hmm?” Victor still seems curious.

“Inside it is a ninja house”

“Really! Ninjas!!!” Victor looks deadly serious, yet excited at the same time.

It’s cute.

Victor makes Yuuri take him and Makkachin.

When they get there, Victor has Yuuri take a picture of him and Makkachin in front of the building to post online.

It doesn’t even take a day before Hasetsu is swarming with paparazzi and fans of Victor.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I mentioned in the other notes, I'm sick, and my throat hurts, and I've had so many cough drops I'm just like blegh, so I hope this isn;t too jumbled.
> 
> If it is feel free to tell me XD I tried tho sooo meh.


	4. My Fucking Name Isn't Yurio!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yurio's name isn't Yurio (Not even a major plot point XD)
> 
> Also, hot Springs on Ice is approaching now!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh!!! I finally finished chapter 4~!
> 
> Also I saw rouge one today, and holy fuck I cried like a baby!
> 
> Oh and this one doesn't get too seriousish I think though this has been written over several days so I don't remember everything in it tbh.
> 
> Also this chapter doesn't seem very long tbh, sorry guys.
> 
> Hopefully the next chapter will be up soon tho!
> 
> Oh and btw, I was feeling really insecure about this story when I uploaded the last chapter, but you guys all made me feel so much better about myself and I really apreciate it! THANK YOU!!!!!!!

The intense surge of business everywhere in Hasetsu was a shock to everyone except Victor.

Cameras were everywhere, the hot springs along with several other hotels were booming, the ice rink was packed.

It was chaos, reminding Yuuri almost of a big city.

Victor barely even seemed to notice, though… so Yuuri shrugged.

Then he continues working out.

After a few days he barely even noticed the intense crowds that surrounded Hasetsu, especially wherever Victor happened to be.

I couple journalists stopped Yuuri when he was jogging, recognizing him as “The ice skater Victor’s training.”

Yuuri gave their interviews easily, due to the reporter's pushy nature and his own.

It died down a bit after the first 4 or 5 days, but Hasetsu remained packed full of people, and Victor still seemed to have a near constant circle of people surrounding him.

Yuuri wondered how he could stand it… he would get nervous, he would need to get away, he had never liked crowds too much.

Yuuri guesses he and Victor are just really different.

Yuuri supposes that’s just further proof they really aren’t meant to be.

‘But he found you. The universe led him you when you wouldn’t go to him. Besides, opposites attract.’ some part of him murmured.

While running one afternoon, he decides to try to put his faith in that small optimistic part of himself.

“Huhhh! Finally here! I’m exhausted!” Yuuri panted as he ran up to the rink.

“Yuuri” Something seems off, maybe afraid, but Yuuri’s too excited to pay attention to their trembling voices.

“Hey, get this! My weights back to what it was before the Grand Prix Final!” he leans on the door, eyes closed.

Standing up he puts his hands together as if he was praying.

“Now I’ll finally get Victor's permission to skate.” he sighs happily.

Finally, he can get back on the ice.

He’s been getting anxious being off it.

It’s where he feels most at home after all.

Going to push open the doors, he opens his mouth to say bye to the triplets, when all of the sudden there’s a sharp pain in his back and he’s sent bouncing across the floor, smacking into something.

Opening his eyes, for some reason, the first thing he notes is that the ceiling is a nice shade of gray. 

Then he realizes that holy crap that HURT!!!!

Then there’s a foot on his forehead “Ow!” the Japanese skater yelps.

“It’s all your fault.” a familiar voice growls.

Opening his eyes Yuuri realizes it’s Yuuri Plisetsky.

‘I remember him, he’s the kid from the bathroom that told me I should just go for it with Victor…’’

“Apologize!”

Yuuri pauses for a moment.

“Uhhh…. Sorry.. I guess…???” 

“I know I told you to give it a try, but you weren’t supposed to make him come fucking coach you pig!” the Russian Yuri continues glaring at Yuuri.

Yuuri blinks, “I uhh… I didn’t make him come here?” it comes out more as a question than a statement.

The younger Yuri rolls his eyes.

“Well duh pig, but when he realized you were fucking soulmates he would NOT come. Fucking bastard…” Yuri scowls at the thought.

“Uhh… w-well he umm….” the Japanese man stutters awkwardly.

“Well, what pig? Spit it out already!”

“He doesn’t know we’re soulmates!”

Silence falls on the two, Yuri’s angry glare fading for a split second, replaced with pity.

‘Don’t give me your pity. I don’t need anyone's pity!’ Yuuri muttered mentally.

“Tch. Then tell him, fatso.” Yuri grunts, “I don’t understand why the fuck he’s here then anyways, what’s Victor want with a skater he didn’t even recognize at the Grand Prix Final.”

Yuuri doesn’t actually know the answer to that but… he does know that Yuri is underestimating him. He’d been having a pretty crappy day back at the last Grand Prix Final, so, of course, his performance hadn’t caught Victor’s attention.

But Yuuri did manage to catch his attention, didn’t he. Purely by accident maybe, but still. Victor was here. He had come here because he wanted to be Yuuri’s coach. 

Yuuri knows that much at least.

Yuuri picks up Yuri's foot, which was honestly at this point just kinda awkwardly hovering above his head, and stands up.

He smirks at Yuri, who in turn yells “HEY FATSO! Stop smirking at me!”

“Look, I don’t really get the whole picture so you should ask him why he’s here himself. Victor came all the way to Hasetsu because he wanted to. Just to become my coach”

With that Yuuri turns and walks away from the seething blonde, who after a couple seconds grumpily follows after Yuuri.

Yuri’s eyes widen, “Those moves… it was his routine for next season…” Yuri almost seems kinda sad.

“But he was really torn… surprising the audience has always been his top priority. He had the world in his hands... but now. Now matter what he did, the audience isn’t surprised anymore. He knows that better than anyone.” Yuri sighs with a frown.

Yuuri’s eyes widen as he watches Victor skate.

“If you don’t have any inspiration left, you’re as good as dead.”

The two are silent for a moment before Yuri continues, the Japanese Yuuri still silently listening.

“If he’s going to take the next season off, I wonder if he’ll let me use this program… I know I can surprise people more. I need Victors help if I’m going to make my senior debut and win the Grand Prix Final.” Yuri mumbled, half to himself.

“Huh, win?” Yuuri asks, going to say something else to the teen.

“YOU LOOK LIKE YOU’RE DOING GREAT VICTOR!” Yuri suddenly yells, startling Yuuri and Victor both.

“Yuri, you’re here?” Victor waves, “I’m surprised Yakov let you come. What do you want?” 

Yuri glares, trembling with fury and shock.

“Judging from that look, I’m guessing I forgot some promise I made.”

Yuri practically explodes out of anger.

__________

Yuuri sits awkwardly while the other Yuri shovels food in his mouth.

‘A contest huh…’ he thinks filled with dread.

He can’t help but think that there’s no way a dime a dozen loser such as himself could ever stand up to a skater like Yuri.

‘Beating me… he won’t even have a bit of trouble…’

Yuuri sighed, ‘So I guess Victor will leave…’

He doesn’t even feel sad, just numb.

As if he was waking from an absolutely amazing dream, trying to fall back asleep despite the alarm blaring in your ear telling you it’s time to go back to reality.

“The pork cutlet bowl is good isn’t it?” Yuuri barely registers Victor’s voice, his brain feeling almost like static had filled it up.

“You have another visitor Yuuri?” Mari opens the door, looking down at Yuri.

When Yuri turns to face her, Mari randomly yelps, “No way!”

Everyone turns to look at her, and she continues, “He looks just like my idol, the Blonde Takoa!!!!”

“His name is also Yuri.” 

Mari seems to calm down quite a bit after that.

“What? That’s confusing…. Okay! You’re Yurio!”

“WHAT!?” the blonde yells in shock.

“Where will Yurio stay?” Mari still has a dreamy look on her face.

“Upstairs in” Mari cuts of their mother, “The storage room!”

“Oh no! I need to clean that up!” Mari starts off towards the room before poking her head back in and adding, “Yuuri, come help.”

Yuuri blinks, oh was he supposed to do something, he had barely processed any of that conversation if he was being honest, numbly standing and walking out of the room on auto pilot.

What was it that he was supposed to be doing again…?

He glances back into the room where everyone’s eating.

“Good for you Yurio.” 

“Shut up! That’s not my name!”

Yuuri blinks, ‘I see… of course… That Yuri has more potential than I do, he’s known Victor for longer than I have too, and they get along great…”

He thinks he might hear his sister ask where he’s going… but the numbness is fading and pain is starting to blossom in the pit of his chest.

He needs to skate, he needs to run, he needs to do anything, he needs to leave that house, and he needs to get himself under control before he ruins everything he’s worked so hard for.

‘This was all just a fluke, this is proof that the universe screwed up. We aren’t soulmates. He’ll leave when I inevitably lose Hot Springs on Ice, and everything will go back to normal.’

Yuuri runs a little faster, he needs to skate, as the pain is turning into a tingling feeling telling him that the perfect way to make this stop if to hurt.

Because no physical pain can hurt as bad as this.

‘You’re overreacting.’ he tells himself.

His running slows to a light jog, then a walk, before he stops completely.

‘I’m being stupid. I know that… yet all I can think is how compared to that Yuri… I’m…’

“Useless…” he mumbles aloud, hating the way his voice cracks, and his breath hitches, tears beginning to roll down his face.

“Stop it…” he mumbles, ‘You’re so weak’

__________

“Huh, where’s Yuuri?” Victor asks Mari, glancing up at her.

“Oh, he left a while ago. At times like this, he’d probably be at Minako-san's place or Ice Castle.”

Victor frowns, wondering why Yuuri left… everything had seemed okay.

“He’s always been that way.”

Victors frown deepens, ‘Been what way…?’ he can’t help but think.

So Victor sets out to find Yuuri.

He goes to Minako’s bar but finds out that Mari had meant the ballet studio.

He also finds out that Yuuri isn’t any kind of genius, he had just practiced constantly.

So Victor goes to Ice Castle.

“He always comes here to practice by himself,” Nishigori tells him.

“It’s always made me think he really loves skating. He didn’t even play with his friends.” Yuuko adds.

“Well, he never was very good at making them… skating aside, he’s not very good at putting himself out there. I don’t want this to be the end for him.”

“Me neither.” Yuuko agrees with her husband, continuing with her own insight “He actually hates losing. I hope Victor-kun will bring out a side of Yuuri that we’ve never seen before.”

Victor nods, smiling.

He has an idea now for Yuuri.

“Thanks. I think I know a lot more about Yuuri now.”

For some reason, he wants to know even more, though.

He looks at his wrist.

Why is it that Yuuri is making him forget all about the soulmate that he’s always been faithful towards.

His soulmate is sad right now, that dull blue that they often feel.

Yet Victor is still more concerned about Yuuri than the stranger whose name is printed on his wrist.

That scares him.

_______

The next day, Yuuri is feeling better.

He’s feeling strangely determined, almost confident.

‘Whether or not this is my last season rides on this. I’ll never win if I wimp out here. I can’t lose this Hot Springs on Ice match. Then I’ll aim for the Grand Prix Final.’ he thinks as he laces up his skates and zips his jacket.

“So Victor seriously doesn’t know,” Yurio states suddenly.

“H-Huh?” 

“That you’re soulmates Pig! You haven’t told him! Don’t you think someone will eventually! He’s going to find out. Then he’ll hate you.”

Yuuri’s eyes wide.

“Hate me..?”

“Well, of course, he will Pig. If you don’t tell him and someone else does. Victor’s the kinda guy who will think of that kind of stuff as betrayal.” 

Yurio glares at the elder male.

“If you don’t plan on telling him, you might as well let me have him. He won’t want to stick around with you if you’re going to lie to him fatty.” 

Yuuri stares at Yurio for a moment, taking a deep breath, before smirking.

Maybe the teen was a little right, and maybe those words did really hurt, but Yuuri knows that he doesn’t have time to deal with that right now.

He needs to win… because maybe it’s selfish but… he wants Victor to stay for just a little longer.

He wants to go back to sleep and live in this dream for just a little longer.

So he just smiles at Yurio, “Okay then Yurio.”

“THAT’S NOT MY NAME!”

_______

“Yuuri, how was that?”

Yuuri thinks he might die.

He had been confident, but… can he skate this?

“O-Oh, umm… It was very ero’s!” is all the Japanese man can come up with.

“Right! So, about the program composition~ Which quads can you land?”

Yuuri blushes, “The toe loop, and… I can land the salchow in practice but never in competition.” 

It seems a bit pathetic when he says it out loud really, “B-but… I think I can do it if I try!” he tries to sound confident.

“S-So… umm..” 

“Okay, you can practice the basics. I’ll teach Yurio first. I won’t teach you anything you can’t do right now. How many times have you messed up during competition?”

Yuuri catches Yurio’s smirk out of the corner of his eye. ‘Brat…’ he can’t help but think.

“You have the skill to win. Why can’t you make it happen?”

Yuuri flushes, he doesn’t have the skill to win, that’s why.

“W-well that’s probably because… I lack confidence.” he can’t help but fidget as he admits it.

“Right. My job is to make you feel confident.”

Yuuri wants to yell at Victor, tell him that it isn’t that easy. 

He wants to tell him that he’ll never be confident.

He wants to tell him that they’re soulmates.

Yuuri wants a lot of things.

Instead, he just stands there silently, as Victor leans in close, dangerously close, and reaches up to touch Yuuri’s lips.

“No one in the whole wide world knows your true eros, Yuuri. It may be an alluring side of you that you yourself are unaware of.”

Yuuri blinks… ‘alluring….?’

“Can you show me what it is soon?”

He thinks back to the children who bullied him when he was younger, telling him no one would ever want him because he was an ugly fat pig and that’s why he had gibberish instead of a name on his wrist.

He thinks to himself that they must’ve been wrong if Victor Nikiforov, his soulmate, was actually leaning this close, his hand pressed to his lips, saying things like that.

“HEY VICTOR! Aren’t you supposed to be teaching me first!” 

Yurio is blushing like the teenager he is, having just witnessed an intimate moment between two adults that he knows.

He actually looks at little guilty to have interrupted, but mostly just embarrassed and angry.

“Right.” Victor grins “So Yuuri, think long and hard about what eros is to you.”

Yuuri blinks.

‘Victor.’

He flushes, and nearly falls over on the ice.

“U-uummm! O-Okay!”

______

Yuuri sighs, staring at a wall, his head lying down on the table.

‘An appropriate thing that makes me think eros.’ he tries to think but all that comes to mind is Victor.

“HhhHHH!!!” he exclaims, banging his head down, which Yurio ironically happened to do at the same time.

“This is too hard.” Yurio grunts.

“You’re telling me…” Yuuri mumbles in agreement.

Victor laughs, before continuing to practically throw food into his face.

How does he even stay so skinny?

It’s not even fair.

“Hey, pig.” Yurio whispers.

“Huh?”

“I bet you’re having trouble cause the only eros you can think of is Victor.” the whisper is barely loud enough for Yuuri himself to hear it, so Victor definitely didn’t.

Yuuri did, though, and he buries his head in his hands.

“N-No! Eros for m-me is… umm…” he thinks for a moment before it comes to him.

“KATSUDON!”

Victor's face at that exact moment is priceless and when Yurio later states he wishes he had a picture of it, Yuuri can’t help but agree.

“I-I umm, I mean umm, yeah. Katsudon is eros to me.”

Yuuri has possibly never been this embarrassed.

Victor manages to recover from the initial shock and smiles “Okay let’s go with that. It’s nice and unique.”

Yurio is smirking so hard right now and Yuuri is pretty sure that he’s in hell.

“Seriously?” Yurio obviously knows that was a lie and Yuuri is now definitely sure that this is hell.

________

Yuuri sighs, staring up at the ceiling, lying in his bed thinking about the past day.

Will Victor really leave when he finds out Yuuri had lied to him...

Yuuri had managed to keep those thoughts out of his head all day, and now they were rushing him.

'Yurio does make a point. Why would Victor want to stay around me anyways? I'm nervous, I'm fat, I lie to him about to soulmarks.... I'm awful.'

Yuuri rolls over, curling in on himself.

'He deserves to know doesn't he...'

Yuuri sighs, "After Hot Springs on Ice.... I'll tell him if I win" he whispers to himself.

He wonders if that will make Victor want to go with Yurio.

After all... who would want him as a soulmate....?

Elsewhere Victor was banging his head on his pillow, telling himself that no matter what happens, he has to remain loyal to his soulmate. No matter how much he likes Yuuri.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you managed to enjoy this jumbled mess of a story.
> 
> Also I've got so many different ideas for how to reveal can go, so you guys tell me what you're thinking ^~^
> 
> It can happen pretty soon or I could drag it out, someone can tell Victor, whether thats a random person or Yurio is so hard to decide, or yuuri could tell Victor, or Victor could even figure it out himself!  
> I'm horrible at making decisions tbh, I can never even decide where to eat dinner much less make decisions that impact my story in such a large way.
> 
> So you guys tell me what you have in mind if you want ^u^


	5. Victor Nikiforov Loves Yuuri Katsuki

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor tries to deal with his feeling, and Hot Springs on Ice draws closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this is the shortest chapter yet guys.
> 
> I've had 5 pages typed up for forever now, but Tuesday I had a crap ton of homework, Wednesday I had a migraine and couldn't type shit, yesterday I had to go to a thing for school that lasted forever. Then tonight my dad is being well I mean he's being my dad so I really could barely focus but I felt bad not posting anything despite having so much already written.
> 
> Also, I burned my pinkie at school with a hot glue gun on accident so typing kinda hurts tbh but that's okay ^~^ 
> 
> So yea this is only like 8 pages long while most chapters in the past have been 11 but I hope you can enjoy it anyways.
> 
> It's also a kinda jumbled mess but like I said, hope you can enjoy anyways.

Victor watched Yurio skate, they had been training for a few days now for Hot Springs on Ice.

 

Yuuri was improving nicely but his performance still lacked something. The technical aspect of his performance had gotten much better over the past couple days with Victor’s help… but the mood seemed off.

 

Yurio was having even more trouble conveying Agape than Yuuri was with Eros.

 

He sighed as he watched Yurio manage to skate Agape so completely wrong.

 

“Hmmm…”

 

“Maybe a waterfall would help.” he smiled at Yurio who immediately stopped skating and glared.

 

“A waterfall!”

 

Victor put his hands together. 

 

“Now Yurio, it will certainly help you wind your Agape!”

 

Yurio just glared.

 

“Yuuri!” he called the other skater, who had been stretching with Nishigori over.

 

“Huh?” 

 

“You and Yurio are going to a waterfall to find Yuuri’s Agape! Have fun~!”

 

Yuuri sputtered for a moment, “B-but why… Umm… Okay.”

 

Victor’s grin widens, “Oh good! I’m sure you can take him. I’ll see you later!”

 

Victor skates away.

 

He wonders for a split second if Yurio is liable to commit murder if left alone with Yuuri in a secluded area…

 

He decides that it’s not likely at least.

 

Besides Yurio really did need to figure out Agape soon with Hot Springs on Ice only two days away.

 

Still, Victor isn’t sure what to do while they’re at the waterfall.

 

He considers tagging along but decides he would be too distracting.

 

‘Maybe I should skate for a while… hmm, but shouldn’t I do something relaxing while they’re gone…’ he honestly isn’t sure what to do, so he heads back to the hot springs.

 

“Oh, Victor you’re back early. Where are Yuuri and Yurio?” Yuuri’s mother asks when she sees Victor coming in.

 

“Oh they went to a waterfall for training so I came back here, I think I might take a bath and go to Nagahamas Raman.”

 

Yuuri’s mom nods, “Okay!” and walks off to continue whatever she was doing.

 

Victor heads to the Hot Springs, happy to relax for a while.

 

Glancing down at his wrist… his soulmate was frustrated…

 

Victor sighs.

 

Seeing how his soulmate was feeling used to make him feel calm. 

 

It made him feel connected to the mystery person whom he desperately wanted to meet.

 

Translators only confused him, all the different languages with symbols that looked like the symbols on his wrist.

 

It wasn’t Chinese or Japanese… so what could it be?

 

He couldn’t figure it out.

 

He didn’t have a lot of free time to try and figure it out either.

 

Now he almost… doesn’t want to find out who his soulmate is.

 

He’s never felt anything resembling attraction towards anyone if he’s being honest, despite having been labeled a playboy by the media.

 

Now all of the sudden he wants to brush his soulmate aside for a man he’s really only known for a short time.

 

He feels guilty.

 

Overwhelmingly so.

 

He’s been avoiding Yuuri a bit because of it too if he’s being honest, the feelings he gets when he’s around the other man making him almost sick to his stomach.

 

That day when he leaned in close to Yuuri and pressed down on his bottom lip… he had wanted to kiss him.

 

He had wanted to kiss Yuuri so badly that he didn’t even think about his soulmate until late that night when he realized, he had almost kissed another man.

 

He had felt horrible, as Yuuri had said he wanted to stay faithful to his soulmate as well.

 

When Victor had begun avoiding Yuuri though… he could see the insecurities forming in the other skater instantly.

 

He couldn’t let these feelings affect how efficiently he coaches his pupil.

 

He couldn’t let the beating of his heart affect the way he did what he came here to do.

 

...What had he even come here to do though..?

 

He had come here for Yuuri…

 

He felt a connection to the other skater, so he came here to help him win the Grand Prix…

 

He needed to forget the connection that he now recognized as more than simply thinking of him as a fellow skater.

 

He wondered how he could let this happen.

 

He stares at his wrist.

 

He can’t help but think that it isn’t fair.

 

Why is his heart feeling all these things for someone who can’t be his soulmate? 

 

Yuuri hadn’t even recognized the symbols on his wrist.

 

Still… Victor can’t help but wish that Yuuri was his soulmate.

 

He stands abruptly when the thought enters his head.

 

“I-I should go get some ramen. Nagahama’s sounds great right about now!” he states to himself, his voice sounding too loud in the silent bath.

 

He stands, and quickly dries off, getting out of the bathing area faster than he ever had before.

  
It’s almost like he’s running away from his own thoughts.

 

“Stupid Yuuri… Stupid soulmate… Stupid heart….” 

 

Victor Nikiforov is in love with Yuuri Katsuki.

 

____

 

Yuuri sighs, they really should be heading back soon.

 

This seemed counterproductive for his own theme, even if it made sense for Yurio’s.

 

Yet Yuuri could barely bring himself to pull Yurio from his thoughts.

 

He looked so serene, nostalgic, hopeful, and maybe even a little sad…. Lonely.

 

“Yurio… Hey, Yurio!” Yuuri grabs Yuuri lightly by the wrist and pulls him out from under the waterfall.

 

“Are you okay..? Let’s call it a day.”

 

“Oh… Okay…”

 

Yurio doesn't even yell, he just stares almost blankly, eyes a little wide, as if he realized something.

 

‘What’s going on? Why did he suddenly look so vulnerable?’ Yuuri wonders.

 

Yuuri wonders if maybe Yurio really did find his Agape….

 

Yuuri doesn’t understand either Agape or Eros, he feels lost and before at least Yurio was having trouble too but now…

 

If Yurio really did find his Agape, Yuuri knows he needs to find his eros but he has no clue what he’s doing.

 

He almost wants Victor and these confusing feelings to leave.

 

He wants Victor to say “I will never be your soulmate. I hate you, you’re filthy and fat. I never want to see you again.” 

 

He wants Victor to say that so things can go back to the way they were.

 

Another part of him wants Victor to wrap him in his strong arms, though, and say “I’m your soulmate Yuuri, and that makes me so happy. I love you, you’re beautiful and amazing. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

 

Yuuri wonders if it would be better for Victor to just walk out of his life.

 

He thinks it definitely would be the least complicated, the easiest, the best way for it to go.

 

Yet he wants to win. He wants to prove he’s at least worth Victor’s time.

 

He wants Victor to stay for just a while longer.

 

_____

 

Victor wants to forget everything.

 

All the intrusive thoughts telling him to go to Yuuri.

 

All the daydreams about Yuuri’s smile, his pout, his eyes, his lips, everything.

 

He wants the wishes that he could hold Yuuri close, and make the anxious skater feel like he was everything…

 

Like he was Victor’s soulmate.

 

But he’s not.

 

He never will be.

 

At least that's the thoughts circling in a loop as he downs beer after beer, he’s pretty sure he had some sake too, maybe even a little wine. It’s possible there was even some hard liquor thrown in there.

 

He can barely even remember anything about the night though by the time he’s opening his eyes the next morning.

 

“Fuck… I’m late…” he mumbles, massaging his head.

 

Damn, he hasn’t been this hungover in years.

 

Still, he drags himself out of bed, not even bothering to brush his precious hair.

 

He runs to the rink, his head pounding, and body aching.

 

“Sorry I’m late!” he calls, throwing the door open, knowing immediately what they had been doing during his absence.

 

He isn’t mad, though, he’s glad Yuuri and Yurio seem to be getting along.

 

“Huh? What were you practicing just then?” he feigns ignorance.

 

Both Yuuri’s look at each other and skate in the opposite direction.

 

“I’m gonna go check my choreography!”

 

Victor smiles slightly, he’s exhausted, but he’s glad he’s here with these two people that he cares so much about, though in different ways.

 

When Yurio begins skating Victor notices the change before the song even starts to play.

 

“Looks like Yurio’s found his Agape.”

 

He smiles, “Maybe he’s ready for the next stage.”

 

He can feel Yuuri’s (cute) curious gaze on him.

 

He can practically hear him wondering to himself “Huh, next stage? I wonder what the magnificent Victor has planned!” 

 

Okay, maybe not that last part.

 

The last day of peaceful training comes to a close too fast, and Victor finds himself showing both Yuuri’s the suitcase’s filled with costumes he had shipped to the inn.

 

“There are a lot of stupid looking ones…” Yurio says, but everyone can tell by the blush and forced frown that he’s excited.

 

Yuuri, on the other hand, doesn’t even bother hiding it.

 

“Woah!!! This is the one you wore to last years Grand Prix!!!”

 

“Hey! Don’t pick anything flashier than me! You already have one advantage!” Yurio gripes.

 

“Hush,” Yuuri responds.

 

He isn’t sure why he enjoys being around Yurio so much. By all means, the teen should make him nervous but…

 

Really Yurio’s constant anger isn’t scary at all once you get to know him.

 

He’s kind of like an…. Angry… salty… toddler.

 

Yeah… that’s the best way Yuuri can describe it.

 

Victor watches the exchange from the doorway in confusion.

 

Advantage???

 

Had they caught on that he liked Yuuri!

 

He flushes.

 

There’s no way…

 

Well, then again he had nearly kissed Yuuri…

 

“This is from the Junior World Championship.”

 

Victor blinks, “Oh yeah! I had long hair back then, so my costumes suggested both male and female gender.”

 

“I choose this one!”

 

Yuuri has stars in his eyes, and Victor can’t help but get lost in the brown pools of beauty.

 

“U-Uhh Cool~!” Victor exclaims.

 

Victor can barely believe that this will be his last night staying with one of them…

 

He doesn’t want to leave Yuuri, he wants to stay with him forever… but Yurio is like a brother to him.

 

He supposes it comes down to how the two skate.

 

So he gets the promotional outfit he has for the contest ready and falls into an uneasy sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I hope you enjoyed this hot steaming mess of angsty shit.
> 
> I hopefully will be going back to longer chapters instead of this bullshittery that I'm putting you guys through.
> 
> I just figured you guys deserved at least smthing! So enjoy!
> 
> Comments make me happy! So plz comment! You don't have to though!


	6. I Can't Tell Him.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri tries to tell Victor they're soulmates and fails, the two have a talk about their soulmates, and Yuuri reminisces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANOTHER CHAPTER ALREADY~!!!! WOOHHOOO!!!!! And I think this might be the longest one thus far, with a full 12 pages and 2,489 words! I'm home alone rn so I just typed nonstop.
> 
> I also ate popcorn, which I blame on a person in the comments that said *Gets popcorn* 

“We’re here at Ice Castle Hasetsu, venue of the Hasetsu Exhibition; Hot Springs on Ice.”

 

Yuuri took a deep breath, trying not to appear too nervous.

 

Yurio had told him earlier not to get all tense when they were interviewed or it made them both look stupid but he couldn’t help it.

 

  
“Right of the bat, we have the skaters Katsuki Yuuri and Yuri Plisetsky!” the excited reporter informs his viewers.

 

“Both of your new short programs were choreographed by Victor Nikiforov. You’ll be presenting them today in competition. Tell us how you feel going into the event!”

 

Yuuri blinks, unsure of what to say really.

 

Nervous, confused, scared, maybe even a little excited…

 

“Umm… It’d be great if you’d try the hot springs afterwards.” he mumbles nervously.

 

“Hey! We’re not here to promote tourism! Promote yourself.”

 

“We don’t need too Yuri’s. I’ll crush him.”

 

Yuuri bites back the comment that he’s not Yuri anymore, he’s Yurio.

 

“Yes, that’s it! Thanks for giving us what we wanted to hear.”

 

Yuuri feels anxiety pounding in his heart.

 

He’d not used to being given this much attention… did he screw up?

 

He’s pretty sure he did but he doesn’t have time to let the nerves in his stomach double because Victor is now talking.

 

Yuuri assumes the reporter finally gave him a chance to be on camera.

 

“Hi! Hasetsu is a great place. Come visit at least once!”

 

Well at least he’s not the only one promoting tourism.

 

“Victor. What are you doing.”

 

“Huh?”

 

Yurio’s eye is twitching, “Stop that! It makes todays face-off look totally cheap!! You’d better be ready to evaluate our battle.”

 

Yuuri feels the same about that last part though…

 

“You’ll grant the wish of whichever one of us wins, right?”

 

“Oh… Of course.”

 

Yuuri can see a sad look flash across Victor’s face.

 

He understands… he’s gotten used to this routine of practicing with Victor and Yurio.

 

He’s grown attached to both of them… and the thought that if he doesn’t perform well today… both of them will just walk out of his life…

 

He thinks back to the night before… and technically also this morning.

 

He takes a deep breath, and knows he’s ready.

 

“You forgot didn’t you.”

 

They both know Victor didn’t though…

 

As they warm up in the backroom, Yurio is looking around.

 

…. Yuuri wonders if he’s nervous.

 

Or maybe he doesn’t really want to leave… though he would never admit it, Yuuri is pretty sure the teen was enjoying himself.

 

Really Yuuri can’t help but think Yurio should be enjoying himself more often.

 

He’s not a socially awkward kid like Yuuri was, he’s sure that if he was in a public school he would have lots of friends he would want to hang out with.

 

“Yurio-kun! It’s almost time.”

 

Yuuri watches the other Yuri take a deep breath and unzip his jacket.

 

Yuuko freaks out, and fangirls a whole lot, which Yuuri can tell lightens Yurio’s mood significantly.

 

Yuuri takes a deep breath, and risks sounding like a creep to say, “She’s right Yuri… you look really good in that outfit. It suits you somehow, You’ll do great out there.”

 

Yuuri knows his opponent will do well out there… that’s what he’s afraid of.

 

Yuuri ignored all the announcers, as they talk about how amazing Yurio is doing as he skates.

 

He doesn’t need them to tell him, he can already see it.

 

There’s so much agape in his performance.

 

Yuuri doesn’t let himself get anxious though.

 

He will show them all the eros of a pork cutlet bowl.

 

The eros of Victor Nikiforovs soulmate.

 

But how can he compete with Yurio.

 

No. He won’t do this now.

 

‘But if I lose Victor will go back to Russia…’

 

“I won’t lose.” he mumbles.

 

“Yuuri. It’s your turn.” Victor is in front of him, smiling.

 

He’s beautiful.

 

Yuuri isn’t sure why he notices that at this exact moment.

 

“U-Umm… I’m going to become a super tasty pork cutlet bowl”

 

He leaves the ‘and show I’m worthy of my soulmark.’ off.

 

“So please watch me.”

 

Yuuri feels himself hugging the other man, and he can hear Victor’s breath catch in his throat.

 

“Promise!”

 

“O-Of course.”

Victor sounds nervous, “I love pork cutlet bowls.”

 

Yuuri goes out there, and he becomes the woman, seducing the playboy, and casting him away.

 

He skates with everything he has, not letting any mistake break the mood.

 

This is his eros.

 

This is the eros of Victor Nikiforovs soulmate.

 

Everyone is looking at him.

 

Everyone was enchanted by his performance.

 

He’s excited.

 

“Yuuri!”

 

Victor!

 

He skates up to him.

 

“That was the tastiest pork cutlet bowl I’ve ever seen! Wonderful!” Victor wraps him into a tight hug.

  
His heartbeat speeds up, “Th-thank you!”

 

Victor pulls away, looking serious.

 

“But can I say something?””

 

Yuuri’s heart fills with dread.

 

“S-Sure.”

 

“What was with your triple axel out of spread eagle? That was the worst attempt so far. I know you had Yurio teach you the quad salchow in secret but what was that?”

 

Yuuri stares dumbly.

 

He falls onto the ice in shock.

 

“Huh? Yuuri.”

 

He won though.

 

He won and he knows Victor wouldn’t be pointing out details if he hadn’t won.

 

When he stands and looks around, he frowns.

 

Yurio must have left…

 

Without even saying goodbye. How rude.

 

Yuuri reminds himself to span the teen with irritated texts later.

 

He gets it though.

 

It must hurt, after working so hard, after Victor promised to coach him…

 

“Yuuri, let’s go.”

 

“H-Huh?”

 

“You won. You need to go stand on the podium.”   
  


So he skates out to the podium.

 

“Katsuki Yuuri has won the Hot Springs on Ice event. A word please.”

 

The microphone is held up to him and yuuri takes a deep breath.

 

“Oh, u-um.. “

 

Victor wraps his arm around Yuuris back and hold his shoulder.

 

“I-I’m going to try and win the next Grand Prix Final with Victor! So thank you for your continued support!”

 

_____

 

Yuuri knows it’s stupid but he already misses Yurio.

 

He wants to ask the teen for advice, because despite the way he would undoubtedly yell at him a whole bunch and insult him… he might actually have some clue of what to do.

 

He had told himself that if he won this competition he would tell Victor but….

 

“V-Victor… U-Umm…”

 

He’s so nervous.

 

“Yes Yuuri?” Victor asks.

 

They’re currently sitting in the inn at a table, relaxing after the competition.

 

“If… I mean… Umm… never mind!”

 

He can’t bring himself to tell him…

 

He just can’t do it.

 

What if Victor is so mad that Yuuri lied that he goes back to Russia and coaches Yurio.

 

What if Victor confirms his worst fear, that he’s too fat and ugly to ever love.

 

What if Victor hates him!

 

He just wishes that… he wishes that there was no such thing as soulmates.

 

He’s not sure why, he just feels like it would be better if they weren’t there.

 

He sighs.

 

“Uhh.. Okay???” Victor seems confused, but lets it go.

 

“So Yuuri, are you sure all you were skating for was a pork cutlet bowl?”

 

Yuuri flushes, “U-Uhhh! Y-Yes!” he squeaks out.

 

Victor smirks, but Yuuri thinks there might be a hint of pain in his expression.

 

“So who is it?”

 

Yuuri shakes his head.

 

“Come on Yuuri~ You can tell me! Is it your soulmate? I thought you hadn’t met each other.”

 

Yuuri sighs, “Umm… it is my soulmate, but we’ve only kind of met.”

 

Yuuri knows he should tell him now.

 

Glancing down at himself, he can’t.

 

He’s still so fat.

 

He’s ugly.

 

He’s nothing compared to the undeniably gorgeous and talented Victor.

 

“Oh… sounds complicated…” Victor says, raising a brow.

 

“Haha… Yeah.”

 

“You already know about my soulmate.” Victor sighs.

 

“I don’t even know anymore, I’ve been waiting so long… I’ve stayed loyal to this person whose name I don’t even know. No matter what I do… I just can’t figure it out and I’m to busy to spend too much time worrying about it…” Victor sighs.

 

“I don’t even know if I want to know anymore… my soulmate deserves better.”

 

‘No he doesn’t. No I don’t.’ Yuuri thinks.

 

“Wh-Why’s that?”

 

“I think I might like someone else… but that’s stupid cause the person I like has a soulmate…”

 

Yuuri stares.

 

He feels numb.

 

“O-Oh..”

 

He doesn’t want the numbness to leave.

 

He doesn’t want the pain to come.

 

‘This is my fault. I waited too long. I’m so stupid. This is good anyways. I’m not good enough for him. It was stupid to even think for a second…’

 

There are tears welling in his eyes.

 

“I’ve gotta go to the bathroom, I’m probably gonna go ahead and shower so I’ll see you later.”

 

It comes out choked, and he doesn’t even wait for Victor’s response.

 

All the sees before he leaves is Victor’s confused face melt into a pained expression.

 

He doesn’t even have time to wonder why.

 

He locks himself in the bathroom and takes a deep breath.

 

He will not cry.

 

He won’t.

 

He tells himself this, as tears begin to make their way down his face.

 

Victor loves someone else.

 

It was bound to happen.

 

It was expected…

 

Yet…

 

It hurts.

 

It hurts so much.

 

‘If only I had been better. If I had just told him. If I had just been thinner…’

 

He shakes his head.

 

‘It may be my fault, but if I blame that… Yuuko and Nishigori… Phichit… even my own hard work…. It will all go to waste.’

 

He wipes his face off, and takes off his clothes, setting his phone down on the counter.

 

He climbs into the shower, and lets hot water, very hot water, run over his skin.

 

It burns, and he loves it.

 

He knows he shouldn’t…

 

He isn’t an angsty teenager anymore, throwing up in the bathroom and hurting himself in any place he’s sure no one will see.

 

At least until Nishigori caught him in the act.

 

He still remembers it…

 

He had been out getting food with everyone to celebrate him winning silver at some competition.

 

He’d been sure he could hold it down until he got home…

 

He had been wrong.

 

He had to jump up and suddenly excuse himself.

 

Worried eyes followed him to the bathroom.

 

Nishigori had followed him.

 

He knew he was right behind him, but there was nothing he could do.

 

He leaned over a toilet, and let any of the food he had just taken in come up.

 

If only they hadn’t sat there and talked for so damn long after they finished eating.

 

“Th-this is why you’ve gotten so skinny….” Yuuri heard his friend mumble.

 

They had never been very close, Nishigori had even joined kids in picking on him a few times when they were little.

 

Now they were both 15…

 

“I knew something was going on…. You got so thin all of the sudden… but I thought….”

 

Nishigori had thought the same thing all the kids that watched boys at school corner him and call him names while he got thinner and thinner had thought.

 

‘It’s none of my business’

 

“Yuuri… Why?”

 

Yuuri shrugged, reaching up and flushing the toilet, still kneeling in front of it.

 

“I dunno, It seemed like a good idea at the time…”

 

It’s true, he had wanted so desperately…

 

“Yuuri if this gets much worse you won’t be able to skate anymore! You… if it gets much worse you might die…”

 

Yuurii knew that.

 

“I know.”

 

Nishigori slams his hand down on a sink, “Then why!”

 

Yuuri feels tears pooling in his eyes.

 

“They kept telling me I was fat, I just, I was only 13 when I started, I thought it was a good idea, I just wanted to take a little weight off and now I can’t stop! I want to stop! But when I try I just… I always feel so fat! I know that I’m not, I’m underweight, I need to stop but I can’t…. And they still tell me that I’m….. they call me pig and fatso and an attention whore and an emo and I hate it…”

  
Nishigori had done something neither of them really expected, he had wrapped Yuuri in a hug and said, “We’ll help you.”

 

Yuuri remembers asking “Will you tell my parents…”

 

“Not if you don’t want me too.”

 

In the end Yuuko and Nishigori helped Yuuri, they were just teens, but they were older than Yuuri at least, but they didn’t really know how to help… but they did.

 

Mistakes were made, but they made it through.

 

They were worried when Yuuri left to live in detroit but there wasn’t much they could do.

 

They saw him off and talked to him all the time.

 

The triplets loved Yuuri despite never meeting him in person.

 

Yuuri sighs, being broken from his thoughts  when the water gets cold.

 

He gets out, staring at his red skin in the mirror.

 

It’ll be back to normal by tomorrow.

 

He wonders if Phichit is awake.

 

Talking to him… it always made him feel better.

 

When they lived together they told eachother everything.

 

Phichit had seen all his scars, Phichit knows all Yuuri’s secrets, all Yuuri’s fears, and all Yuuri’s insecurities.

 

Yuuri knows all of that about Phichit as well.

 

They both know how to calm the other down, and how to make the other happy.

 

Still… Yuuri doesn’t want to bother Phichit, and he honestly just wants to sleep.

 

Thinking about all the support he’s received from his friends though… it calms him down a bit.

 

Still…. Victor loves someone else.

 

He can never tell him now.

 

Never.

 

_____

 

Victor stares at the doorway where Yuuri fled the room…

 

Had Yuuri realized the Victor was referring to him.

 

Yuuri must be disgusted.

 

Victor  is disgusted with himself.

 

Falling in love with Yuuri when he already has a lot going on with his soulmate…

 

No wonder the japanese man ran out of the room, barely even glancing back at him….

 

Victor wonders if Yuuri hates him now.

 

He sighs… he would probably hate him if he was Yuuri.

 

He wonders how obvious he had to be for Yuuri to notice so easily….

 

He sighs, and places his head down on the table…

 

He heads up to his room and lays down… tomorrow he needs to update Yuuri’s website and add that he’s Yuuri’s official coach now, along with the video of Yuuri’s short program from earlier.

 

Victor groans, he’ll have to get someone to help him out everything into the japanese version of the site, since he can really only speak a little Japanese, much less read it.

 

He hasn’t even been on Yuuri’s Japanese page, since he doesn’t even know how to access it, he has absolutely no clue what Yuuri’s name looks like in Japanese.

 

At least he thinks he doesn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yea, next chapter is big reveal, hope everyone's excited for that ^-^ I am at the very least.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed guy~!!!!


	7. Once You Start You Can't Stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor Finds Out and a Whole Lot of Shit Ensues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so the big reveal!!!!!!! I'm proud of myself for actually getting myself to write after what happened Saturday but I know I need to do productive things with my time instead of sitting around moping like I honestly did for most of yesterday...
> 
> (Personal rant ahead)
> 
> My boyfriend broke up with me, not only over a text but through another person. He had smone else tell me that he doesn't think we should be together anymore because of "The move among other things." he's moving in the summer and I'm just like ;-; 
> 
> So yeah I'm in a kind of angsty mood so this is probs even more all over the place, shitty, and angsty than usual.
> 
> I hope everyone likes the big reveal ^_^
> 
> Also SPOILER WARNING BUT YOU MIGHT NEED TO BE WARNED!!!!  
> (Yuuri's eating disorder 'comes back' as in he loses his managment over it.

Victor got up early and got on his laptop, making the needed edits to all Yuuri’s websites or social media pages in English.

It didn’t take too long, now he just needed to get help from someone so that he could update all the sites in Japanese.

“Hey, Mari can you help me with something?”

Yuuri’s sister looked over at Victor and shrugged, “I guess” she took a puff of the cigarette she had in hand.

“What do you need?”

“Ah, thank you! Could you maybe help me update Yuuri’s website and social media pages in Japanese. I can’t really speak or read Japanese yet, much less write it…”

Mari nods, “Why not.”

She stomps out the cigarette and tosses it in a tray, before taking Victor’s laptop.

Victor walks over and stands behind her, she’s sitting on her bed.

She looks down at the English keyboard and rolls her eyes.

She pulls out her laptop, a much lower quality model, heavier and older.

It has a keyboard almost identical to Victors English one, but there are Japanese symbols by the keys.

“I’m sure there’s some way to type stuff on yours but I don’t care enough to figure it out.”

She types something into the search bar and clicks the second link to pop up, the first one being some kind of sketchy looking ad.

She looks over the page for a moment, about to move the mouse to click something….

Victor stops her.

“Th-that…” he points at a familiar set of symbols.

“Wh-what do those…”

Mari blinks, highlighting the area he’s pointing at.

“That’s just Yuuri’s name… why?”

Victor suddenly feels like everything but him and the computer, the familiar symbols highlighted symbols taunting him.

He shakily holds his wrist up, rolling town his sleeve.

It’s undeniable.

They are the same.

How had… it had been right under his nose this whole time.

But Yuuri had said that… did Yuuri not want to be soulmates or something.

He notices suddenly that Mari is staring in shock.

“You’re Yuuri’s…” her lips are parted in an o shape.

Victors are as well.

He’s trembling.

He needs to talk to Yuuri.

He needs to know why the other man lied to him.

Why would he….

Why had he fled the room last night…

Why didn’t Yuuri just tell him…

He had to know, he had to know Victor liked him so then….

Why?

Victor feels betrayed.

It hurts.

He walks up to Yuuri’s room, holding his hand up to pound on the door, only to hesitate.

It hurts.

Yuuri obviously doesn’t want him…

Should he confront Yuuri about it…

He knows he has to… but he needs to take a deep breath first.

“Okay… it’s okay…”

It doesn’t feel okay.

Victor had been so disgusted with himself, he had been hurting so much, every inch of him had been numb with self-loathing and this whole time…

Yuuri had been his soulmate this whole time.

He should be happy but instead, he just feels betrayed.

‘If he wanted me as his soulmate he surely would’ve told me by now…’

That’s what hurts the most.

He feels something wet on his cheeks all of the sudden, and when he brings his finger up to his face he realizes he’s crying.

He’s always been a bit of a crybaby…

He hears movement on the other side of the door and closes his eyes, wiping away the tears.

There might be a reasonable explanation for why Yuuri would lie to him.

Surely it wasn’t just to spite him…

“Ugh…” he hears Yuuri groan, followed by a thump.

He knocks on the door, it coming across a little harsh, but Victor is just so hurt by this he doesn’t know how to handle it…

Yuuri yelps before asking with a tremor in his voice, “V-Victor… is that you?”

“Yes.” Victor states.

The door opens, revealing Yuuri with just sweatpants on, the arm that should have Victors name written on it is hidden behind the door.

“Let me see your wrist.”

Yuuri’s eyes widen “V-Victor I’m… It’s…”

“Let me see your mark.”

Yuuri hesitantly hold it up for Victor to see.

It’s his name, written in Russian….

Why?

Why hadn’t Yuuri told him?

Yuuri had known!

Yuuri had lied to him!

His name is written in the colors that mean anger and betrayal.

“Why?” despite his rage it comes out choked and miserable.

“Why did you lie to me…”

Victor takes a deep breath, staring Yuuri in the eye.

“Why would you keep something like this from me… do you just not want me as a soulmate?”

Yuuri shakes his head “N-No! It’s not! I was! I’m not! I just…”

Victor stares at the ground, “I would’ve understood… if you had just told me… but this… this hurts and I don’t understand why you wouldn’t just tell me!”

Yuuri looks panicked.

“You’re not, I was just, I didn’t think, well I thought, I mean… It’s not that I just wasn’t sure how to tell you and I didn’t think, I mean I haven’t and you’re…”

Victor sighs, “I can’t have this conversation right now. I need to think about this but I just… can you please just tell me why you’ve been lying to me…?”

Yuuri stares at Victor with wild eyes, “I thought….. I….” Yuuri takes a deep breath.

“I thought that I…” he looks away, “I didn’t really feel like I umm… like I deserved… you…”

Victor blinks a bit in confusion.

“But if you had just told me then I… I don’t understand why you would think that! That’s stupid and this whole time…” Victor runs a hand through his hair.

“Look I just…. We’ll talk about this later Yuuri. Practice is canceled for today…”

Yuuri opens his mouth like he wants to say something but can’t find the words.

Victor notes with irritation that Yuuri seems to do that a lot.

Victor knows he doesn’t really feel this way but he can’t help but think that Yuuri is selfish.

Keeping these things to himself for all this time while Victor was suffering, just to avoid possible rejection.

Victor sits down on his bed angrily.

He kicks the air a few times, before falling back and staring at the ceiling.

He wonders for a moment if Yurio knew…

Then he wonders how long Yuuri has known….

He holds his wrist up in front of himself.

He feels guilty instantly.

Yuuri is his soulmate and even if he lied to him, he can’t help but feel terrible.

Yuuri is miserable, a deep shade of blue that he’s only seen the name on his wrist turn a few times before.

Guilt is evident in the color as well…

Still, Victor does not go to Yuuri despite some part of him screaming that he should.

He just can’t forget all those pained nights feeling as if something was horribly wrong with him because he had liked someone who wasn’t his soulmate… when all along that person was indeed his soul mate.

How twisted was that… and perhaps Yuuri hadn’t meant to hurt him the way he had… but he had.

He had hurt him.

______

Yuuri stares after Victor.

He wants to say something.

He wants to make this okay.

He wants Victor to forgive him.

He wishes he had just told him!

“Please…” he whispers though Victor is long out of earshot by now.

“Please don’t leave me…”

Yuuri turns to go back to his room but changes his mind last minute, heading to the bathroom.

He’s not sure why he goes there, it’s just always been a thing he’s done when he was upset.

He’s done it for as long as he can remember.

Once when he dropped a loaf of bread his family had just bought at the store and his father yelled at him he hid in a bathroom for over an hour.

When he got a little older he started to throw up when he got upset.

While he was in recovery for that he started hurting himself, scratching at his thighs until they were red, even occasionally drawing blood using sharp objects such as his sister’s razors which she kept under the counter.

Phichit had forced him to break the habit because the Thai skater quickly learned nothing good ever came of Yuuri locking himself in the bathroom, but when Yuuri got really upset he still does it.

He hid in a stall at the Grand Prix Final too he remembers.

That’s when he met Yurio.

Yuuri sighs, looking down at his uncovered wrist.

Anger looks back at him.

Anger and betrayal.

He betrayed Victor by not telling him.

He feels selfish.

He feels awful.

He couldn’t even bring himself to say what he wanted to too Victor…

What’s worst is that he still doesn’t want to talk it out even knowing that the lack of communication he had going on with everyone around him was what caused this.

He wants this to be forgotten.

He wants things to go back to how they were.

He thinks back to the way Victor looked at him…

He was disgusted.

Yuuri slides open the door to the restroom and locks it behind him.

He slides to the floor.

Victor was disgusted…

‘You’re so fat and useless Piggy! Not even your soulmate could love you! If you even have one!’

Yuuri remembers having told kids they were wrong when they said things like that.

He remembers telling them his soulmate was going to love him more than their soulmates could ever dream of them…

Yuuri wipes at his eyes.

He had known ever since he discovered who his soulmate was that those claims were false but…

Some part of him had still hoped.

“I knew this would happen…”

After all… why would a skater as talented as Victor ever… why would he ever stoop so low as to like someone like Yuuri?

Yuuri isn’t even sure why Victor came here in the first place.

Probably just an excuse to take a break… the most desperate person Victor could think of.

Yuuri wonders if… if maybe if Victor had met him when he was thin if things would’ve gone differently.

Alarm bells sound in his head.

‘No… No. This is because I’m a coward. I couldn’t tell him and now he hates me.’ he reminds himself.

Yuuri wants the ache in his chest to go away, though.

The all too familiar ache.

“This is my fault. I deserve this.”

Yuuri deserves this.

He deserves this.

He knows he deserves this.

Yet he can’t help but cry.

“You don’t deserve to be sad. Victor is that sad one.” he mumbles to himself.

He feels like his mind is buzzing with so many different opinions, all contradicting each other.

‘You were born unlovable.’

‘This is all your fault. You betrayed Victor.’

‘You aren’t worthy. That’s why he hates you now.’

‘It’s because you’re fat.’

‘It’s because you’re a pig.’

‘You deserve to hurt.’

‘You don’t deserve all the people that care about you.’

‘You deserve to suffer.’

‘You’re fat.’

‘You’re disgusting.’

‘Unlovable...’

‘Unlovable.’

‘Unlovable!

‘UNLOVABLE!’

Yuuri groans and holds his hands up to his head, tears rolling down his red and splotchy cheeks.

His eyes are red, and he looks like a train wreck.

“Victor…”

He wants Victor.

And he knows that’s selfish after what he’s putting Victor through.

‘I need to learn how to handle things on my own.’

His eyes widen and more tears fall.

His mind tells him that he already knows how to handle things on his own.

His mind tells him that he only became so dependent on others when people stormed into his life and told him he was doing things wrong.

What did they know...?

What did Nishigori know? He was loved by everyone, he had always had so many friends. He had met his soulmate so early in life, and despite having a soulmate so many girls still fawned over him in their youth.

What did Yuuko know? She had always been pretty. She had met Nishigori at a young age too. She still gets hit on when she’s with her husband and 3 children.

What did Phichit know? He’s so popular and loveable.

They don’t know anything.

‘No one knows shit!’ the voice yelled.

His mind screams that only someone as disgusting, horrible, and hated as Yuuri could understand how people like him need to deal with their emotions.

So Yuuri crawls over to the toilet, weak protests against that part of his mind left behind.

He knows he shouldn’t do this.

He knows he will regret it later.

He cries harder.

He can’t help it, every part of him is lying to him and telling him that this will fix all his problems and he can’t help but listen to that voice despite knowing it will only make more problems.

So he holds his head over the toilet in a familiar way, and do something he swore he would never do.

“I’m sorry Yuuko, Nishigori, and Phichit….”

He sits there silently for a few minutes tears running down his face.

“Yuuri! Are you in there!?”

“V-Victor…?” he chokes out his eyes wide with shock.

________

Victor looks at the swarming negative emotions Yuuri is feeling.

It doesn’t remain one color, it changes rapidly between anger, self-hate, anxiety, misery, and guilt.

Victor thinks there might be a few more emotions there as well but he’s not sure.

He wonders if he should go check on Yuuri.

When pain flashes across the name forever printed of Victor's wrist he sits up.

He stares with wide eyes when it flashes again.

Another brief moment where yellow is the only color on Yuuri’s name.

Victor bites his lip, and his anger momentarily was forgotten.

He stands and walks to the door, eyes remaining locked on his arm.

He reaches for the door handle but stops just before grabbing it.

He thinks of all the pain and betrayal he had felt, that he is still feeling.

The Kanji on his wrist turn an intense shade of yellow that lasts for what feels like hours and then turns to regret.

Victor flings to door open and runs to Yuuri’s room, brushing past anyone he passed.

“Yuuri!” he calls knocking on the door.

No response.

Opening the door he finds the room empty.

He looks at his wrist.

Sadness and regret.

He stands there helplessly wondering where Yuuri could have gone.

“The bathroom…?”

He runs to the said room and knocks loudly, “Yuuri? Are you in there!?”

“V-Victor?” Yuuri’s voice sounds shaky and choked.

He’s been crying.

“Yuuri! Can you let me in…?” Victor asks softly, leaning on the door.

“I-I… No just, g-give me a second…!”

Victor hears the flushing of a toilet before Yuuri opens the door.

His hair is stuck together with tears and sweat, his cheeks are red and splotchy, there are tears in his eyes, a few rolling down his face.

When the Japanese man tries to wipe them away they merely come back with a vengeance.

“Yuuri…”

Victor isn’t sure what to say, or what to do.

“V-Victor! I’m, I… Wh-what did you need…?”

“Yuuri, what happened.”

Yuuri is shaking, swaying on his feet.

Yuuri stares “I… What do you mean I w-was just using the toilet. Wh-why…?”

Yuuri stares at him.

“Yuuri I’m your soulmate. I know what you’re feeling. You can’t lie to me.”

Yuuri looks away “I said I wasn’t doing anything…” he mumbles half to himself.

Victor sighs, “Okay.”

Yuuri looks down.

“I… I’m sorry…”

Victor blinks, “Hey i-it’s okay… well it isn’t b-but, I’m sure you had a good reason for all of this…”

Yuuri shakes his head.

“No, I just thought… I didn’t think…. Everyone always used to…. And I… and you’re YOU and I’m… I’m me, and what was I supposed to think. I’m scared and I’m so sorry and I didn’t want to hurt you and I’m sorry!”

Victor blinks, surging forward and wrapping Yuuri in his arms.

“Yuuri… I don’t know why you thought that you weren’t worth it, or that you don’t deserve me, or whatever you’ve been telling yourself b-but… I don’t think that so… please don’t think those things anymore.”

Yuuri stares at him in shock, “But I thought… I thought you…”

Victor blinks, before shaking his head, “That doesn’t matter now, just know that even if I’m upset that you lied to me, I love you okay. I love you Yuuri.”

The tears are falling faster and harder now.

“I l-love you t-too Vi-Victor!”

Yuuri feels happy for a split second before it crashes down on him.

He was doing so well, he had gone years without… and all it took was one push, and now… he couldn’t tell anyone, not when they had worked so hard on his recovery, but he knew….

From the moment he hung his head over the toilet he wouldn’t be able to stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah Yuuri's eating disorder 'comes back'
> 
> I hesitate to phrase it like that though because even if Yuuri is eating and looking weight in a healthy way, he's extremely self-conscious and has the urge to purge when he's upset because it makes him feel like he looks good which makes him feel better. He then resorted to self-harm as a way to deal with not being able to purge and being forced to eat because he feels he deserves pain for being so weak as to eat. (That last part is based on personal experience despite eating an okay amount of food daily for the most part and not throwing up I still feel like Yuuri did when he started hurting himself p often)
> 
> So Phichit made Yuuri quit that and Yuuri now has no coping method and a lot of not really well-handled issues. So the eating disorder never really went away it was just being strictly managed.
> 
> Aaaaannndddd now it isn't ^-^ so woooo *Confetti*


	8. Be Strong, Carry On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri deals with things and bonds with Yurio over texts.
> 
> Victor and Yuuri bond as well ;)
> 
> Victor might be catching on to Yuuri's problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so this chapter is a load of crap tbh but idl anymore XD At least it's smthing.
> 
> Hopefully another chapter will be out by tmmorrow or Monday.
> 
> Sorry that I mostly only update on weekends guys, weekdays r so busy and exhausting for me tbh.
> 
> That likely wont change until summer and will get even worse nxt year ;-; ughh 
> 
> but enjoy this chapter ^-^

The next day they started actual practice.

Victor had been a very… touch-oriented person even before finding out that they were soulmates.

Now it seemed like Victor’s hands were almost constantly on Yuuri.

It was almost too much for the shy man to handle.

Victor leans in close, as they discuss his Free Skate.

Victor had been surprised that Yuuri hadn’t been able to choose his music in the past.

It wasn’t as if Celestino had been against them choosing music, Yuuri had just never really wanted to. There had been one song but… it just wasn’t good enough to win.

Later after practice, they call Celestino.

“So, you’re playing at being a coach in Japan? Cut it out already.”

“Hey, Hey! Why didn’t you let Yuuri choose his program music.”

Yuuri flushes, “A-ah Victor it wasn’t-”

“Huh? I usually select music for my skaters, but I also let them choose if they want.”

Victor’s mouth forms an O.

“Yuuri only came to me with a piece once. I believe it was composed by an acquaintance. I wasn’t bad but…” he trails off.

Victor frowns.

“Yuuri never had much confidence in himself.”

Victors frown deepens, and he finds himself sitting down and leaning on Yuuri.

“I told him time and time again to trust himself more but…”

Victor cuts Celestino off “Okay! Thanks.”

Yuuri cuts in now “U-Umm Celestino… I’m going to try to redeem myself at the next Grand Prix Final.”

“That’s what I wanted to hear you say at last year’s Grand Prix Final…”

After hanging up Yuuri sighs in relief.

“Ah, I’m glad he isn’t mad at me…”

“Yuuri,” Victor says, taking Yuuri’s chin in his hand.

“U-Uhh!?”

“Can I hear the music he mentioned?” he asked, leaning in close, his breath on Yuuri’s lips.

“U-Uhh, I-It’s not, I-I Me-Mean…!”

“Why didn’t you tell me? I’m your coach aren’t I?”

Yuuri isn’t sure what it was he hadn’t told victor but he finds himself making an affirmative sound.

____

That night Yuuri picks at his food at dinner.

If he eats he has to throw up.

He hates that feeling.

It’s only been a few days and he’s already getting shaky.

He remembers now that thinks back to it.

It’s the worst for the first little while.

He understands now that his 13-year-old self-wasn't exaggerating just how horrible it felt.

He keeps reminding himself that he’ll get used to it just like last time.

Still, he can’t help but feel horrible.

He wants to eat.

He wants food.

He needs food.

“No…”

He’s laying in bed late at night.

Or early in the morning depending on how you look at it.

He’s hungry.

He’s so hungry.

“Just a little food….” he mumbles.

“No.” he replies to himself.

“A little bit is never a little bit. I’ll eat until I’m full.”

He knows if he eats he’ll regret it.

He knows he deserves this anyways.

Victor probably hates him deep down.

Yuuri isn’t sure what to do anymore.

And his body won’t stop telling him to eat.

“No!” he mumbles into his pillow, curling in on himself.

Victor will never be happy settling for a fat pig.

Yuuri knows Victor thinks he is one.

He even said it himself when they first met.

He sighs, not wanting to think about this.

He doesn’t want to think about anything.

He grabs his phone and turns it on.

“Holy shit!” he yelps in a whisper.

He laughs a bit, “Too bright.”

He turns it on again and turns the brightness way down.

He stares at the screen, unsure of what to do now.

“Hmm… maybe Yurio’s still up…”

He has no idea what time it is in Russia right now, and he’s too lazy to find out.

So he texts Yurio anyways

‘Hey, Yurio. How are you?’

Yurio responds nearly instantly.

‘U txt like an old man’

Yuuri starts to type but Yurio immediately sends another text.

‘How did u even get my number anyways?????’

Followed immediately by ‘>:(‘

Yuuri chuckled.

‘Victor gave it to me a few days ago. Also, I don’t text like an old man, you just text like a teenager.’

Still, Yuuri can’t help but stare at the word pig.

It sits there on the screen taunting him.

His stomach growls and he stares at the word.

He’s doing this for Victor.

‘Fucking Victor!!!’

Yuuri smiles again.

‘Oh yea, speaking of Victor and u, have you told him yet?’

Yuuri sighs.

‘No, but he found out.’

Yurio doesn’t respond for a while.

‘He mad?’

‘He was. He might still be, but he forgave me…’

‘Oh… u guys together now????’

Yuuri sighs ‘Kinda, no, yes, idk?’

Yurio responds a little bit later.

‘Isnt it rlly late there? You shuld go to sleep. Stop being stupid and agonizing about it. Victor’s porbs forgotten that yu even lied to him’

Yuuri sighs.

He isn’t sure how to respond to that, so he sent back ‘Okay.’

He set his phone back down and sighed.

“I can do this.”

_______

He talks to Phichit about contacting the girl who originally made the arrangement he had wanted to skate to.

Victor hadn’t seemed to like it very much.

He isn’t surprised, it was kinda mellow, not something that draws you in.

But… Yuuri isn’t sure why but he wants to skate to it.

He just needs her to, to make it something he can skate to.

So while she works on, he wants to learn jumps.

He wants to improve his skating,

He wants to learn how to stand on his own two feet.

He wants to skate in a way that makes Victor look at him and think ‘wow.’

“Victor! Let me try that jump one more time!”

“Ugh, haven’t we been practicing it for tens of thousands of times?” Victor pants.

“No… just thirteen.” Yuuri blushes, although he’s tired as well. More tired and shaky than he would’ve been had he eaten a good breakfast before practice like his mother had told him too.

That breakfast 

He had been keeping track after all.

“I’ve thought this for a while... “ Victor starts while scraping the ice off his skates.

“You have some amazing stamina.”

“W-well I have that at least.”

“You said you get hungry when you’re nervous about competitions right.”

Yuuri winces and shrugs.

He looks down at Victor, who is still fiddling with his skates.

“You haven’t suffered any major injuries and you’re younger than I am.”

Yuuri reaches out and pokes the top of Victor’s head.

No one moves or says anything for a moment.

All of the sudden Yuuri realized what he just did, “Ahh! I’m so sorry!” he exclaims stumbling back.

“I couldn’t help it! I don’t know why I did it!”

Victor reaches up and touches the spot of hair.

“Is it getting that thin…?”

“No! No! No! Everything’s okay!!!!”

Victor lays down on the ice “I’m hurt. I can't recover from this? Will you still be there for me when I’m old and have lost all my hair dear Yuuri”

Yuuri flushes and Victor looks up at him expectantly.

“Y-Yeah, I-I will!” he’s a bright red.

Victor smiles, “Well I guess I can live with this horrible reality then!” he moans dramatically.

Later that night, just as Yuuri is about to stop reading useless articles on the internet, and go to sleep, he sees that his free skate song is finally here!

He unplugs his laptop and runs to Victor’s room.

“Victor! Listen!”

He jumps into his soulmates bed, accidentally stepping on Makkachins tail.

The dog whines and his eyes widen.

“Oops sorry!”

“The music for the free program is done!”

Yuuri puts his earbuds into Victors ears and the half asleep Russian stares at him.

Once he listens for a moment, Victor seems to wake up and nods at Yuuri, wrapping him in a surprise hug “Perfect!”

“V-Victor!”

Yuuri picks up his laptop and goes to walk away but Victor whines.

“Cmon Yuurriii! Stay for just a little longer.”

Hesitantly Yuuri places his laptop off to the side and nods.

Nothing dirty happens.

Victor does wind up using Yuuri as a pillow.

He finds that his soulmate is too thin, especially compared to his weight only a few weeks before.

He thinks back to how angry Yuuko was when he called Yuuri a pig.

He thinks about a few weeks earlier when Yuuri locked himself in the bathroom after Victor found out they were soulmates.

Victor hopes his Yuuri is okay.

Deep down he knows he probably isn’t though, and he wants to make him okay.

_______

The next night the two go back to sleeping in their own beds, even if Yuuri admits that he loved sleeping close to Victor.

Victor smiles as he cuddles up to Makkachin.

Yuuri goes at his own pace with everything he does and gets flustered so easily.

He also has no confidence, and Victor can see where the skater might get weird ideas about not being worthy of him.

They’re wrong, though, Victor’s the one who doesn’t deserve someone as pure as Yuuri.

At least that’s what the silver-haired man thinks.

He thinks about the rapid emotions going through Yuuri and looks at his wrist.

Just as every night, there is pain there, along with sadness, and longing.

Victor stares at Yuuri’s name in worry.

Thinking about how thin his soulmate had been the night before…

He’s almost 100% sure he knows what’s going on.

He’s just not sure what to do.

At the very least he knows that Yuuri does love him, though.

Thinking back to earlier in the day when Yuuri chose his theme for the Grand Prix, he grins.

“Oh My Love, hmm…”

It makes even Victor blush a little.

They both know exactly who that title is aimed at after all.

Victor rolls over and smiles slightly.

The assignments come in tomorrow, and he and Yuuri have a long season ahead of them.

A season that requires Yuuri have all his strength.

Victor will try to talk to Yuuri about it later then.

He can’t have Yuuri not eating enough, that’s not good for you either.

_______

Yuuri has to admit, he misses sharing a bed with Victor.

‘No. You’re still too fat. Just lose a little more and you will be worthy.’

It was so warm, and he felt like it was the way it should be.

He finds himself texting Yurio again.

‘My free skate song finally came last night.’

Yurio replies around 10 minutes later.

‘Cool. it better not be lame.’

‘It isn’t. I had it made just to skate to.’

‘Good for u.’

That translates to That’s cool, in Yurio.

‘R u excited about the assignments?’

‘Yea. I want to know when I get to beat ur ass.’

Yuuri smiles, ‘u mean when I get to beat urs.’

‘No.’

Yuuri’s smiles widens.

‘U have any friends u want to see during competition.’

‘Not rlly.’

‘Ah, that sucks. I wanna be in an event with my friend Phichit.’

‘The Thai skater?’

‘Yea.’

‘He posts too many fucking selfies. Him and fucking Chris.’

Yuuri agrees with that.

‘He does. But don’t u post a lot of selfies, and pictures of tigers.’

Yuuri can nearly see Yurio’s blush.

‘Stfu Katsudon! 


	9. Motivation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit goes down and it's Wednesday not Tuesday so this is a day late but screw u!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhahahahahhaha yep I'm a day late... sorry hw is kicking my ass
> 
> like a lot.
> 
> so much hw ;-;
> 
> But anyways I managed to get this done, and it actually wound up being pretty damn long.
> 
> Warning, there is a panic attack in this chapter towards the end... so yeah.
> 
> Oh and my usual Friday/Saturday update will be delayed cause I'm going to slumber party this weekend...
> 
> I'm super excited cause this will actually be the first boy and girl party I'll have gone to in my teenage years due to being homeschooled and friendless for so many years!
> 
> So yea~ Enjoy the chapter!

Victor watches Yuuri closely.

He’s been watching him closely ever since he noticed that Yuuri was losing weight.

He seems shaky today, as if he can barely stand at all.

He’s confident Yuuri has the skill required to win this competition, he’s won much larger ones in the past…

He can tell Yuuri is nervous though.

His pupils stomach growls and Victor frowns.

“Yuuri. You have a competition tomorrow, and sure it’s an easy win for you but you need all your strength…”

Yuuri stares at Victor, his face red.

“Ah, Okay, I’ll be sure to eat something later.”

Victor is pretty sure that Yuuri won’t be eating anything later if left to his own devices.

He isn’t sure how to do this, he doesn’t know much about this kind of thing, having never personally dealt with it, or even anything similar to what he suspects Yuuri is dealing with.

But… Victor needs to talk to Yuuri about it.

He needs to help Yuuri.

“No no. Eat with me Yuuri! I need to make sure you get a well balanced meal! You know being underweight is just as bad as being overweight really, so I need to make sure you’re getting all the food you need!”

Yuuri winces.

“I-I’m not underweight Victor… I’m still overweight.”

Victor stares at Yuuri, “Umm… No. You aren’t. You’re starting to get TOO thin! I’m starting to miss my pudgy little Yuuri!”

Yuuri looks away.

“Seriously though Yuuri… I’m starting to worry about you.” Victor admits with a sigh.

Yuuri stares, “I’m s-sorry! You don’t need to worry about me! I’m fine!”

“Yuuri... “ Victor looks at his wrist.

“Please don’t lie to me.” he grasps Yuuri’s hands in his own.

“You don’t have to tell me anything okay… but please… eat something.”

He leans in close, and looks Yuuri in the eyes.

“Tomorrow, after you win let’s eat katsudon together. Okay.”

______

Yuuri was forced to eat with Victor, both at dinner and in the morning.

He supposes he’ll let it slide… just for the sake of having strength for the competition.

He draws first slot the next day.

‘I have the worst luck ever’

There’s also some random boy with red and blonde hair.

Apparently they’ve met before… but Yuuri doesn’t remember Minami at all.

He feels bad about that.

The younger skater keeps looking at him during practice and Yuuri wonders if maybe he’s mad at Yuuri for forgetting him or something…

After the morning practice Yuuri gets changed, and goes to look for Victor.

“Have you guys seen Victor? The competition is about to start?”

When he sees the silver haired man his jaw drops.

“Why did you change clothes?”

“Today is my glorious debut as your coach, so I should be in formal dress!” his soulmate grins.

Yuuri rolls his eyes and buries his head in his hands, “I guess you’re right.”

Right before they go out for their warm up, Yuuri hears Victor going on about something.

“What should I say before sending you off to your program?”

Yuuri hands him his skate guards.

“What I’m thinking of right now is-”

Yuuri steps onto the ice, and skates off.

‘Idiot. You’re being weird.’ a part of him scolds.

‘But I’m nervous.’

‘You should be. You’re going to disappoint him, and he’ll go back to Russia and forget about you completely.’

‘At least if I lose I don’t have to try to get out of eating katsudon….. But I don’t want to lose him.’

‘You’re going to lose him.’

He continues this back and forth with himself until the warm up ends.

He skates up to Victor, hoping that his soulmate isn’t too mad that he cut him off earlier.

He grabs his water and takes a drink.

When he sets it down, he forces himself to look at Victor.

‘Shit! He looks pissed!’

“Yuuri. Turn around.”

“Wha-”

“Just turn around.”

Yuuri supposes he shouldn’t argue.

“O-Okay!”

He spins around “U-Umm, like this?”

Suddenly Victor is hugging him.

For a split second Yuuri’s heart races and he feels like he’s flying.

Then he notices the flashing lights of cameras.

‘Oh.’ he feels a bit removed from the situation for a moment.

‘It’s just to look good on camera. That’s all this is. Stop blushing. Calm down.’

Yuuri’s heart is racing despite these thoughts though.

“I know it isn’t really katsudon that you skate for Yuuri, you skate for me. So seduce me with all you have.”

Yuuri looks back at Victor.

“If your performance can charm me, you can enthrall the audience.”

Yuuri meets Victor’s eyes as he skates off.

He can do this.

_______

Yuuri skates beautifully. 

Victor can’t look away.

It feels like he’s creating the music with the way he skates.

Victor is definitely seduced.

Victor isn’t the only one either.

“That was so cool Yuuri!!! That was awesome!”

Victor doesn’t recognize the other skater excitedly calling out to Yuuri.

Yuuri glances over at Minami, and gives the young man a small smile.

When Yuuri turns around to look at Victor, Victor begins to clap.

He tries not to look too excited, there was after all a lot of room for improvement.

“Your first half was great but in the second half you got too focused on your jumps so your performance got sloppy. I don’t really like that kind of thing.” Victor states honestly, but with pride in his voice.

“Right..”

Yuuri’s staring down at the floor.

Victor grabs Yuuri’s chin softly.

“Yuuri.”

Yuuri looks at him in shock.

“You did amazing out there. I just know that you can do better. You can always do better, I just want to help you keep improving.”

Victor grins once the scores are out.

“You did good, but since you weren’t under much pressure I thought you would score in the 100’s”

Yuuri rolls his eyes, “Right. You’ve gone into the 100’s to beat world records several times.”

Victor smiles, “You should lower the difficulty of the jumps, and work on your performance!” Victor smiles.

“Huh?”

“You’ve never nailed them during practice, have you?”

“B-But!”

“It’s not a big deal to lower the difficulty early on during the season is it? You should prioritize adjusting your programs to help you reach your peak for the Grand Prix Final!” Victor says, planting, leaning forward and planting a quick kiss on Yuuri’s forehead.

Yuuri turns bright red

“U-Uh!”

“Are you saying you can’t listen to your coach?”

“Fine.” Yuuri whines, and Victor knows he’s won.

_____

“Yuuri! Did you see my Lohengrin performance!” the skater the Yuuri doesn’t remember calls out, interrupting his interview.

“Ah, no, I was being interviewed so I didn’t see it.”

“Aww! I even had a costume similar to your famous Lohengrin performance made and everything!” the young skater is crying!

Yuuri’s eyes widen, and he feels bad.

“Ah sorry, but isn’t that a costume from my dark past..?”

“YOU DON’T HAVE A DARK PAST!”

Yuuri’s eyes widen.

“Don’t make fun of me for looking up to you and trying to catch up to you for so long!”

Yuuri is taken aback.

Why would this young and likely talented skater look up to Yuuri?

“I’m gonna give tomorrow's free skate everything I’ve got! S-so… please watch me and give it your all!”

Minami takes a deep breath “I won’t forgive you if you slack off!”

Yuuri stares in shock.

He overhears the announcer say something and suddenly it clicks.

This is the skater that finished way higher than him at last year's nationals.

“Crap crap crap crap crap!” he mumbles.

______

Victor wants to go out to eat to celebrate Yuuri setting a new personal record.

Yuuri doesn’t.

There’s no getting out of it though.

He orders a salad type dish, but is shocked when it comes out with a crap ton of dressing slathered on it.

“Ah that looks good Yuuri!” Victor grins.

Yuuri begins picking at his food, and notes in fear that Victor hasn’t taken his eyes off his plate.

“Yuuri.” Yuuko says suddenly.

“Hmm?”

“You haven’t eaten much.” she’s staring right through him.

Crap!

“Ah, sorry. I’m just nervous about tomorrow is all.” he says, taking a bite.

He smiles, “I got distracted, that’s all.”

She sighs in relief, “Ah, I’m glad…”

‘She bought it!’ Yuuri thinks triumphantly.

He forced himself to eat more of the plate, promising that himself that he’ll ‘take care of it’ later.

________

The next day seems to come too soon.

Minami has beat him before.

Minami looks up to him.

Why would…

Why would anyone look up to someone like him.

Victor is confident in him, enjoying the attention now on him.

Yuuri on the other hand cowers under it.

He doesn’t admit it though.

Victor had him lower the difficulty for his skate…

But Minami and the others are all going to try and land a quad.

He’s trying to get to the Grand Prix Final…

How can he get that far with only ONE quad.

ONE!

Yuuri knows he should just focus on this competition but he can’t help but think of how humiliating it would be to go into the national events after this trying to get to the top, with only one quad.

“Will the competitors please take the ice for your warm-up.”

Yuuri sighs, heading out.

Minami is staring at him in awe.

Yuuri stares back for a couple seconds.

What is he supposed to do.

He stares.

Oh god he’s staring.

He looks stupid.

He wants to disappear.

Oh geez now he’s been staring for even longer.

He goes to the ice, looking away.

Fuck that was rude.

He sees minami deflate out of the corner of his eye.

‘I have to focus on myself. I have to ground myself. Once I’m done skating I’ll apologize.’ he thinks during the 6 minute warm-up.

Minami seems to like him, look up to him, for whatever reason.

Yuuri isn’t sure how to handle that, but once the skating is over he’ll figure it out.

When Yuuri steps off the ice Victor calls his name.

“How can someone who can’t motivate others, motivate himself.”

‘He can’t’

“I’m disappointed in you.” Victor slams his skate guards down.

Yuuri stares after him.

‘What about my own motivation that he just destroyed!’

He’s angry.

Maybe it’s true but… he’s angry.

He’s so angry.

Angrier than he usually would be about this.

Usually he would just be shocked.

He knows this anger is bizarre, he remembers being irritable during his teen years, but he assumed that was hormones.

Blinding fury clouds his vision.

“Well then what the fuck about you!”

It’s out of character.

He regrets yelling even while doing it.

“Do you even remember!”

Why is he doing this?

Yuri’s pissed tone takes on a mocking tone “A commemorative photo?”

Yuuri is seething.

Victor is staring in shock.

Minami goes out of the ice, and Yuuri is snapped back to reality.

He stares at Victor in shock.

“Uhh, I m-mean….”

Victor shakes his head, “I guess you’re right. I nearly forgot about that. Sorry.”

Yuuri feels horrible.

He wants to curl up in a ball and die.

‘You deserve to die’

Minami’s on the center of the ice, about to start.

‘How can someone who can’t motivate others motivate himself?’

It echoes in his head.

He feels disconnected from his body.

“MINAMI! GOOD LUCK!”

He doesn’t expect it.

He’s as shocked at the words falling out of his mouth as Minami is.

Victor is still staring, though now a small sad smile rests on his lips.

But Minami seems happy.

Yuuri doesn’t take his eyes off Minami as he skates.

His skating really is entrancing, despite his inconstant technical abilities.

Yuuri wishes he had been able to see his performance from yesterday.

He doesn’t look at Victor.

He doesn’t want to think of Victor.

He does think of Victor.

He can’t help it.

Once Minami is done skating he leaves.

He needs to get out of there.

Victor watches him walk away.

He feels panicked.

What if Victor hates him now.

He has every right to him.

First Yuuri lies for weeks, for months, for years…. Then he yells at him for stating a true fact.

He’s stretching.

‘Don’t think about it’

He repeats that thought over and over again.

It doesn’t work.

He feels like he’s staring through a haze.

Random words fill his head.

His breath is coming in quick gasps.

He feels his chest constrict.

‘Static’

That’s the best word he can find to describe it, as strange as that sounds.

‘Static’

It feels as if he’s staring at everything through static.

‘Static’

It feels like static is filling his ears.

‘Static’

He feels the static take over all his head.

‘Static’

It’s taking over his body now.

‘Static’

It’s in his heart.

“Static.’

He is static.

All he is, is static.

He doesn’t cry even though he feels like he should.

He can’t breath.

The first time this happened he had thought he was having a heart attack…

He knows now.

‘You’re okay.’

He tells himself.

‘Take a deep breath.’

He does so.

‘You need to breath. You’ve done this before. You always make it through.’

He knows it.

Yet sometimes… it really doesn’t feel like it.

“Breath.” the sound comes out choked, like he’s being strangled.

Maybe in a way he is being strangled.

Strangled by his own mind.

“I’m okay.” he reminds himself.

He breathes in and out.

He will be okay.

“It’s almost your turn.”

He will go out there, and skate to Yuuri! On Ice.

He will prove that if nothing else… he can skate.

That grounds him.

Even if he can’t do anything else right.

Even if he can’t motivate others.

Even if he can’t seem to be able to make Victor happy.

Even if he can’t eat.

Even if he can’t not eat.

Even if he can’t do anything right….

He can skate.

And so he will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sry if my descriptions of panic attacks are shit, that's kind of the way mine feel to me when I have them.
> 
> Everything just feels like static, and like it's blurry, even though I can see fine.
> 
> I can hear everything but it still feels like there's loud af running water drowning everything out, and yet at the same time everything is so loud and clear.
> 
> Idk it's weird which is why it's hard to write, but I hope it at least made some sense.
> 
> Plz comment/bookmark/give me kudos.
> 
> I wuld rlly apreciate it, comments espetially.
> 
> Every comment I get just makes me so happy and Idk how to tell u guys that in a way that rlly conveys that it just makes me so happy and I look forward to reading/responding to comments when I upload a chapter. It's rlly nice so thank you all so much!


	10. You're Perfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SHIT HAPPENS DAMNIT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is both horrible and horrendously late, not to mention only 8 pages long vs the usual 11 or 12.  
> I apologize guys! I've been so busy and haven't rlly had time to write until tonight!  
> I hope this crap that I'm uploading it makes it up to you guys somehow.  
> (Spoiler for chapter)  
> Victor confronts Yuuri  
> (Okay that was the spoiler)
> 
> Now go on, read, read, reaaddd

Yuuri awkwardly walked up to Victor before his skate.

“A commemorative photo?” 

When he looks at his coach and soulmate his own mocking voice mixes with Victor’s past voice in his mind.

“Uhh…” Yuuri isn’t sure what to say.

Victor awkwardly smiles at Yuuri.

“Sorry....”

Why is Victor apologizing?

Yuuri doesn’t understand this.

“No! I’m- You’re, no I was… that was… and I’m so sorry!”

“Yuuri, don’t worry about that now. Just skate.”

Yuuri nods wordlessly.

Victor frowns and opens up his container of chapstick.

He applies it to Yuuri’s lips.

“Yuuri…” Victor frowns.

Yuuri stares at him right in the eyes.

He feels vulnerable.

Victor sighs and shakes his head.

“We’ll talk later. Now get out there, and skate. Skate for me.”

Yuuri nods.

He feels numb but it also hurts.

It’s finally his turn.

Yuuri makes the jumps easier, just as Victor requested.

He can barely hear the music, despite knowing it’s playing at a completely normal volume.

As he skates to the part of his own personal song about his ‘tragic’ past he feels numb.

Almost longing for that part of his life again.

Back then it was fine to lose.

It was expected.

It was sad but…

He was already so disappointing that everyone was numb to it.

He reached the part where Victor came into his life and tensed.

This is supposed to be the part of the song where he becomes happy.

He can’t though….

He skates with a burning feeling in his chest.

He feels less happy for this part of his song… and more… miserable…

Victor hates him now…

Victor can never love him again.

He’s cold.

The crowd is cheering.

He’s finished skating.

He looks over at Victor and tries to smile.

Victor’s head is hanging, his eyes closed.

Now he’s glaring.

He’s raising a hand to his face.

Yuuri watches his soulmate rub at his face in frustration.

I failed.

He wishes he could just die then and there.

Not to mention it’s fucking cold out here.

‘I guess I always cold when I skate when I was younger…’

He had been fine yesterday… maybe a little chilly.

Victor looks ups and Yuuri stares as he flips his hair and raises his arms up as if asking for a hug.

Oh!

Yuuri feels tears well in his eyes.

‘I don’t deserve to live but he still loves me’

Yuuri skates to Victor, who wraps his arms around Yuuri despite the nose bleed.

“V-Victor! I-I’m Sorry!” he cries.

Victor strokes Yuuri’s hair.

“It’s okay. But…. I need to talk to you later, okay…”

Victor seems nervous.

Yuuri stares at him.

Is he leaving me?

“Yuuri,” Victor says as if having heard the thoughts.

“Relax, you just won! You skated amazingly!”

His coach decided to save coaching for later and to focus purely on being a soulmate for now.

____

“Victor… you wanted to talk?”

They are home now, in Victor’s room.

“You haven’t been eating.”

It’s a statement, not a question.

“I-I’m…. Not sure what you mean…”

“Yuuri, sometimes I can smell it.”

Yuuri winces.

He’s been sloppy.

“You’re shivering Yuuri….”

Yuuri looks away.

“You’re a skater. Skaters can handle the cold…. That is unless…”

Yuuri shakes his head.

“You’re wrong.”

“Yuuri please!” Victor begs.

“I want you to be happy! When I… is this… You only needed to lose a little pudge, not because it looked bad, it was cute, but it was just for skating.”

Yuuri bites the inside of his cheek.

Victor is desperate.

“You don’t have to tell me anything.”

Yuuri glances at him.

“But please…. Please, Yuuri.... You’re a skater… you could get hurt… just by doing this you are getting hurt! I don’t want this for you.”

Victor leaves no room for denial.

Yuuri should have been more careful.

“Yuuri….”

Victor doesn’t know what to do.

“You’re so beautiful….”

Yuuri knows he’s lying.

“You’re so amazing….”

It’s all just lies.

Lies to make Yuuri feel better.

“You’re perfect…”

Lies to make himself feel better about getting stuck with Yuuri.

“So why… why… how can someone as amazing as you not see that you’re perfect?”

So then why does Yuuri almost feel like falling for this trick?

He thinks back to the only person he’s ever had a crush on other than Victor.

He was a soccer player that everyone liked.

He was nice to most.

Not to Yuuri though.

Being nice to Yuuri is the one way to lower your status.

Yuuri knows his place.

He’s the lonely kid no one wants to sit with.

If Yuuri sits at a table, no one else dares sit there.

Kids will cram into seats sitting next to people they don’t know before they sit on the opposite end of a table from Yuuri.

He doesn’t mind.

One day that soccer kids sit on the opposite end of his table.

He looks over at them, staring at his crush.

When they are dismissed from lunch Yuuri can’t help but hope that they might… maybe sit there again.

They don’t.

“You’re perfect…” Victor’s voice cuts into the memories.

Yuuri looks at Victor.

“Y-You…. You…. I’m…. You called m-me… a p-pig…”

Is he trying to guilt Victor?

No wonder no one sat with him in Junior High, or High School… or ever really.

“I know. I know I did, and I didn’t think…” Victor chokes on the words, “I didn’t think about how that w-would make you feel!”

Yuuri stares.

“No, I don’t know why I’m bringing this up. It wasn’t a big deal. Sorry.”

“NO!”

Yuuri looks at Victor in shock.

“It isn’t no big deal.”

“W-What?”

“I made you hurt. I hurt you. I let Yurio hurt you, and don’t say he didn’t. I hurt you and then when I found out we were soulmates I l-left you alone.”

Yuuri stares.

“That was the first time you did it right. You threw up. It was my fault and I’m so sorr-”

“Victor.”

Victor stops.

“You can’t blame yourself for this.”

“Wh-”

“I’m weak. I’ve done this before, a long time ago.”

Yuuri breathes in slowly, shakily, and exhales.

“It’s because of you that I’m still trying at all. Before you came into my life I wasn’t sure what to do….”

Victor stares now.

“I was desperate….”

Yuuri doesn’t know why he’s telling his soulmate this.

“I wasn’t sure what but I needed something, and everything hurt.”

It’s as if a dam had broken.

“Then you came and… it still hurts… but I’m not just sitting there and… and thinking about how much it hurts..”

Yuuri takes in a sharp breath.

“Don’t blame yourself for the way that I am. I’ve always been this way. I’m sorry about that… it must be awful to have such a needy soulmate.”

“Yuuri…”

Yuuri smiles and brushes Victor’s hair out of his face.

“You’re so perfect, I don’t know how you can’t see that but….”

Yuuri shrugs.

“Victor don’t worry about me okay, I know what I’m doing. Everything is under control.”

Victor knows it’s a lie.

He knows it’s a lie.

Yuuri knows that Victor knows it’s a lie.

Lies Lies LIES!

Yuuri lays down in Victor’s bed.

“Let’s just get some sleep.”

“Yeah, you must be tired from skating. Tomorrow we’ll have to get some pork cutlet bowls to celebrate your win.”

This isn’t a suggestion.

This is a command.

This is Victor’s command to let him help.

‘I will help you Yuuri. I may not know what I’m doing but I’m going to do my best, and I’ll make sure my best is good enough. You will see how perfect you are one day.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, u see hwat I meant.
> 
> It feels forced and shitty but I'm out of practice now after not writing for like what 2 weeks now ;-;  
> So sorry guys, you deserve better.  
> I hope you enjoyed anyways and continue to stick around to read more ;>


	11. Let's All go to a Hot Springs~!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically angst happens and Victor gets drunk :p

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeapp, another chapter.
> 
> I'd love to say "I'm back on usual schedule" buuuut.....  
> I'm not rlly sure if I am.
> 
> I leave for vacation on wednesday, so i might update tmmorow or Tuesday, but after that... idk tbh
> 
> I don't know what's going to be happening so yeahh.
> 
> Sorry guys ;-;
> 
> Anyways enjoy this chapter~~~

Yuuri sighs as Victor stares at him expectantly.

He pokes at his breakfast awkwardly.

He and Victor had cuddled last night, and it had felt nice.

He wasn’t so pudgy that he took up half the bed.

He feels good.

He doesn’t want to eat this.

“Yuuri. You’re too thin. Eaaattttt~!” Victor begs.

“I am!” Yuuri exclaims defensively.

Victor sighs.

“Yuuri…”

“I am, though!” Yuuri says, taking a large bite of the Russian dish Victor had prepared for him.

Damn it tastes good.

It makes him want to take another bite.

He hadn’t noticed how hungry he was until he took a bite.

He hasn’t eaten more than an apple since dinner two nights ago.

He shivers awkwardly.

“Yuuri, we aren’t going to do anything until you finish eating.”

It’s a small serving.

Victor has read that you can’t just start eating a lot after eating practically nothing for so long.

“B-But, this is so much!” Yuuri exclaims.

Victor stares at Yuuri’s plate.

He wishes he could magically make this better.

But he can’t.

So he’ll make it the best he can make it,

“Yuuri I can’t let you on the ice until I know there’s at least some food in you. It isn’t safe.”

He’s only letting his soulmate compete at all because he knows it will make Yuuri angry if he forces him to drop out.

Still, he worries.

Yuuri is too weak to be skating as it is now.

He needs to be careful.

Yuuri doesn’t see it like this, though.

The shakier his legs are, the stronger the pain in his chest gets, the stronger he tells himself he is.

If he can handle this pain…

He feels he can handle anything.

Food is poison.

Poison.

He doesn’t want it in him.

But Victor is forcing him to put poison into him.

“Yuuri. Please.”

He takes another bite.

‘The taste is a lie. It tastes good so that you’ll want more. Don’t give in.’

He takes another bite.

It feels good.

He takes another bite.

He needs more.

He takes another bite.

The serving is almost gone.

Shivering slightly, Yuuri reaches over for more.

Victor stares in shock as Yuuri eats more than he forced him too.

He eats a lot actually.

‘That’s good I think.’

It feels off, though.

Once Yuuri is done he stares at his plate numbly.

‘No.’

He feels like he’s been defeated.

He feels weak.

The content feeling in his stomach is nauseating.

“I’m going to use the restroom.” he states.

He runs up to the restroom before Victor can say a word.

It doesn’t take a lot before the food comes up.

It doesn’t take Yuuri long to get used to the smell.

He’s cold.

He wishes that all this would just stop.

He presses his forehead on the side of the toilet, feeling tears seeping out of his eyes.

He can’t feel anything.

He’s becoming numb to this all.

He’s sick of it.

He knows he’s just a burden to everyone around him.

He was a burden to his parents when he was young, always asking for too much, always needing to skate, always being a weird kid, never able to just be normal.

He should have never been born.

He’s done nothing but hurt everyone he gets close to.

He’s been making his parents worry since he was little due to his inability to make friends, and they had to pay for his skating when he was younger.

His sister has suffered feeling like he was the favorite since he was born despite being superior to him in every way possible.

His friends were weighed down by having to help him with his stupid so-called eating disorder.

He was fine the way he was.

He didn’t have a problem then.

He doesn’t have one now!

Victor should just leave!

Doesn’t he know that Yuuri Katsuki is the hated kid from school that weighs everyone down?

Doesn’t he know that he’s just a useless idiot who can’t get a grasp on his own life?

‘Useless.’

He is useless.

He will always be useless.

He will always be the same useless kid leaning on the toilet in the school bathroom, throwing up to try and make people like him.

He’ll never change.

He can never change.

He doesn’t want to.

“Leave…” he mumbles.

It isn’t even noon and Yuuri wants to go back to sleep.

He’s going to fail at the China Cup if he can’t even get to practice while he has time.

“Yuuri!”

Victor’s voice is barely heard through the static swimming through Yuuri’s ears.

He takes a deep breath.

He can still barely hear.

Barely see.

Glancing in the mirror, he decides despite his red eyes, he looks okay.

He flushes the toilet.

He opens the door.

“Sorry, I’m ready to go now.”

Victor stares at Yuuri for a moment.

Yuuri wonders if maybe he doesn’t look as okay as he thought he did.

Victor wraps his arms around Yuuri.

“Yuuri I can smell it.”

The younger man trembles.

“It’s okay.”

It isn’t okay.

“This isn’t okay!” the black haired man whispers harshly.

“Yuuri. It is because we will get through this. For now… this is okay, and you are okay.”

Yuuri can’t help it.

Tears begin to crash from his eyes onto Victor’s shoulder.

“Yuuri.”

“Y-Yeah…”

“Next time you want to do that tell me. I know you think it’s what you should do but, it’s not good for you. You’re too thin. You need some of your weight back or it’ll mess up your jumps.”

Victor had made that up but… he figures skating is the one thing that will get Yuuri to try and improve this situation.

“I’m….”

Yuuri takes a shaky breath.

“I’m a burden.”

Victor hugs Yuuri tighter.

“You will never be a burden. Yuuri you’re amazing, I love every moment I spend with you, even when it’s sad, even know I’m happy, because I know that you’re my soulmate, and I know that we can make this better. You aren’t a burden.”

Yuuri isn’t convinced, and Victor can tell.

“Yuuri please believe me.”

“I… I can’t….”

Victor knows this.

But he doesn’t want it.

“I’ll make you believe me one day Yuuri.

“.....” Yuuri doesn’t know what to say.

“Just promise that next time you want to throw up you’ll get me.”

Yuuri nods.

“Okay… let’s get some food in you and then go skate.”

Yuuri stares at Victor in dread.

“Yeah, you can’t skate until you have food in you. The food that was in you isn’t now so you have to eat again.”

Yuuri looks down miserably.

“Okay…”

Yuuri will try to eat. 

He will try to get better.

He will try to be strong in the way Victor wants him to be.

He will try to be what Victor deserves.

He will try to be what he doesn’t think is truly possible.

He wonders how it is that only a month or so ago he was slightly overweight….

He will try to be what he was then again one day.

____

Things aren’t really getting better.

Yuuri is trying but…

Eating is hard for him.

He gets Victor when he wants to throw up.

He tries so hard.

But they’re at the Cup of China now, he’s supposed to skate in a couple hours, and he hasn’t slept at all.

He’s exhausted, underweight, and hungry.

He’s so hungry.

He can’t eat.

He won’t.

He can’t.

He isn’t sure which one it is anymore.

He feels like eating will make him eat.

But not eating will make him weak as well.

He doesn’t know what to do.

He also regrets not sleeping on the plane.

He tried of course, with Victor leaning on him, he closed his eyes and let himself drift off.

But instead of sleeping he just daydreamed.

The man interviewing him asks some question about his theme.

“Huh, how much power of love do I have… Ummm”

“Yuuri let’s go have hot pot already!”

Yuuri smiles slightly.

He knows what Victor is doing but…

He pretends that everything is normal for a moment.

Suddenly Victor turns.

It’s the Russian’s old coach and Georgi.

“Oh hey, Yakov!”

The man doesn’t respond.

Victor grabs onto his jacket, like a small child trying to get his mother’s attention.

“Hey, hey~”

“Want to come eat hot pot with us~”

No response.

‘Good, I don’t want them to see Victor force feeding me…. Or trying to I guess’

“Hey, why are you ignoring me?”

“Victor!”

Victor freezes.

“I feel sick every time I see you playing pretend coach.”

Yuuri stares.

He isn’t sure why but that hurts him.

It’s supposed to be an insult to Victor.

Instead, it feels directed at him.

Like he should be the one apologizing for leaving.

“I’d prefer you only talk to me when you’re ready to plead for your return to skating.”

Yuuri flinches.

He can’t….

Victor can’t…

Sometimes is feels like Victor is all he has left.

Yuuko is busy with her kids, and Yuuri is hesitant to hang out with her, as he feels that he doesn’t deserve to be around her after all the work she put into helping him get better when they were younger….

He can’t face her other than to skate at her rink until he’s better again.

Suddenly Victor is guiding Yuuri away.

“Yakov’s not interested.”

Then under his breath, he states, “Don’t worry about him”

“I’m not…”

“Yes you are, now let’s go get hot pot”

At the restaurant, Victor seems to be enjoying himself.

“hhhhHHH!!” he breathes out excitedly as he stares at the food.

“Shanghai crab! Drunken shrimp! Duck blood!”

Victor shoves so much food in his mouth at once, it shouldn’t even be possible.

“Vksuno!” he exclaims happily.

“Hmm, you aren’t eating the shrimp.”

“It’s right before the competition so I want to avoid eating raw foods.”

“Then try some of the duck's blood.”

“That’s gross.”

“What about the crab.”

“I am eating the crab.”

“Oh… do you not like it.”

Yuuri knows that Victor is trying to get him to eat more.

He tries to steer the conversation to a different subject.

“I ran my mouth too much at the conference.”

He recalls all the stuff he had said about love…

“What will people say if I lose after all that.”

It’ll be so embarrassing!

“Oh, Yuuri?”

“Phichit-kun!”

Yuuri grins.

“So this is where you were eating.”

“Hi.” Victor greets Phichit.

“Oh hello!”

“But talk about a coincidence! Oh, can I invite Ciao Ciao!”

Phichit already has his phone out.

“Huh.”

”You want to see him don’t you!”

“Not really…”

Honesty is the best policy right.

“Ciao Ciao.”

And he’s already here.

“Ummm hello.”

“Want some shrimp?”

“Oh that kind of food doesn’t agree with me.”’

Victor shoves it at the other coach “It’s really good.

Ciao lunges away.

Everyone’s having a nice time.

Phichit is stareing Yuuri down, though…

Why?

Oh.

“You aren’t eating much Yuuri.”

“Ehhehhehehe….”

He takes a small bite of crab.

“I ate a lot on the plane.”

That’s a lie.

His phone buzzes and he glances down at it.

It’s just Yurio wishing him good luck in the competition.

Well in Yurio’s special way.

The text reads.

‘Try not to fuck this up so bad that I won’t be able to show you what a lame piece of shit in the next competition.’

Basically, Yurio is saying good luck, try to make it to the next round so I can see you.

Yuuri grins.

Turning back to Phichit they start talking about something, and Yuuri ignores the way Phichit glances at his plate periodically.

If only he had never told him about his past eating disorders.

Ciao and Victor climb back in the booth at some point.

Then Victor has a great idea.

“Ciao Ciao, let’s have a little competition!”

“You’re on!”

In the end, Victor wins.

Ciao is laying on the table, regretting life choices, and Victor is hanging onto Yuuri without his shirt.

And Guang Hong and Leo are here now as well.

“Ahahaha, sorry, Victor’s had way too much to drink.”

If only Phichit was some help here! Instead, he’s just taking pictures of his drunken coach.

“Let’s all go to a hot springs!” Victor buts in suddenly.

“Celestino, keep it together.”

Well, at least Phichit is kind of helping.

….ish

“Hot springs, Hasetsu Hot Springs… Great place….!”

“Victor! What are you saying! Get off!”

“Hahaha!”

“Hey don’t strip!”

Not that Victor’s listening.

He hears Guang Hong say “Things are getting kinda R-rated…”

“Sorry, Leo!” Yuuri cries, noticing that Victor’s pants landed on his face.

“Is it okay to post this online?”

“Don’t restrain yourself!”

Yuuri isn’t even sure who’s talking anymore.

“Hey! Someone help!” Yuuri exclaimed as a half naked Victor refused to get off of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! ^-^  
> I'm not sure where I plan to end this tbh, i don't want it to get too long but I do have some more things I want to do...
> 
> The thing is, I don't rlly have a climax planned or anything, it just kinda keeps going.
> 
> I might just have it last the duration of the series.
> 
> Idk, if you have any ideas, plz leave them in the comments ^-^
> 
> I def want to include some more Yuuri Yurio bonding, and stuff but liek... major plot points I'm like ummmmmmmm
> 
> So yea, like I said, ideas in the comments plzzz


	12. So Hungry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yurio tells Yuuri to go the fuck to sleep  
> Yuuri nearly passes out  
> Phichit makes Yuuri eat  
> Victor is still awkwardly standing by the kiss and cry wondering wtf to do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah vacation was amazing~! I went to Niagra falls guys!!!!!   
> It was so cool!   
> SOOOO anyways ^-^  
> I got a chapter finsihed.
> 
> Srry it's kinda late, like I said vacation, then makeup work, then therapy ;-;, then I hung out at the park with my friend, then mor work, the moorrr friken work ;~;  
> Then tongiht I skyped with my bf for like 2 hours XD  
> Still got it out tho
> 
> Idk guys I feel like the quality of this story is going down.
> 
> Should I bring it to a stopping point before it gets old or should I keep going.
> 
> :D Either way I've got more ideas for more fics so if you liked this please be sure to check out my new works whenever I do publish them.
> 
> I can really only write one story at a time due to my tendancy to have longer high quality chapters ^-^
> 
> Oh also~ All you deviantart users I would rlly love it if you guys like went and checked out my deviantart account.
> 
> I make adoptables :D You don't need to buy anything! I would just love it if you looked at my stuff :) that way I know it's at least kinda good 
> 
> http://adoptables-773.deviantart.com/
> 
> Now gooo Read!!!

Yuuri flushes as he scrolls through Instagram.

“Phichitttt!” he whines as he stares at a particularly… hHHH video of him and Victor.

He’s lying in his hotel room, his and Victor beds pulled up close so that they can cuddle.

Yuuri should be asleep but he can’t.

His stomach hurts.

He feels shaky.

He’s nervous.

He’s trying to distract himself.

‘What if they think I was fooling around…. That will make it even worse if I lose’ he can’t help but think.

He nervously continues to scroll through his feed.

He likes a picture of Yurio’s cat.

He gets a message from said blonde a few minutes later.

‘I know you’re awake cause you liked my picture. Wtf r u up for u hav to skate tmmorow!’

Yurio makes a point.

‘Can’t sleep.’ he replies.

He’s tired and his fingers are shaky.

‘Well then try harder ;(‘

Yuuri smiles.

‘Fine I’ll try.’

He doesn’t.

He goes on the internet and searches his own name.

He reads several articles making predictions on how he’ll do in the China Cup.

‘Yuuri! Stop reading articles about yourself and go to sleep!’

Yuuri stares at the message in shock.

‘How?????’ 

‘Because you’re a predictable idiot piggy.’

Yuuri blushes and frowns.

‘Fine.’

He turns his phone off for real this time.

His stomach growls.

“Piggy.” he whispers.

He wishes he hadn’t thrown up what Victor had forced him to eat.

He’s glad he threw up what Victor made him eat.

He needs real help.

He remembers Yuuko begging him to see someone in high school.

He remembers not wanting to tell his parents how weak he is.

He talked to the school counselor.

She was too busy and could only see him every once in awhile.

She likely wasn’t totally qualified either.

It helped, though.

Those few sessions admittedly helped more than Yuuko and Nishigori could.

He doesn’t want to see a therapist, though.

It’s awkward.

It takes time out of the day.

It makes him feel…. Damaged.

And maybe he is… but he doesn’t like to think about that.

He sighs, and rolls over, scooting closer to Victor.

For now, he should sleep.

For now, he should forget.

________

He barely processes anything before he’s skating.

It’s all a blur.

He texts Yurio in the morning.

He does god knows what until the warm up.

He warms up.

He jogs around inside while he waits for it to be his turn to skate.

People speak to him.

All he hears is that no one will be happy with his skating.

No one here wants to watch him skate.

No one came here to watch some weirdo guy with an eating disorder fail at skating.

Guys aren’t even supposed to get those.

That’s what the kids at school used to tell him.

He doesn’t want to go out there.

He’s going to fail.

Everyone will laugh at him.

He goes out anyways.

It’s cold… too cold.

He involuntarily shivers.

Did anyone notice?

This costume used to be so tight.

It feels too loose now.

He needs help.

He lets himself forget that for a moment, though.

He lets himself forget it all.

When the music starts it’s as if someone has breathed life into him for the first time in a while.

He feels good.

He just lets himself skate.

He remembers the words from the school counselor.

He often says these words to himself when he skates.

‘Whatever happens now will just happen’

So he lets that happen.

He is eros.

He is skating for Victor.

He is skating for himself.

He is skating because he when he skates he loves himself.

He is sexy and everyone wants him.

Only Victor can have him, though.

He is so beautiful that people want to toss aside their soulmates for him.

He wants none of them, though. Only Victor.

Suddenly he realizes that none of them wanted him.

They all want Victor.

Victor doesn’t want him.

The music stops.

No, the music is still playing.

No that isn’t the music.

Are they cheering for him?

Everything is blurry.

He’s tired.

He wants Victor.

He’s hungry.

He skates over to Victor.

He gives his soulmate a smile and whispers restroom.

When Victor gives him a concerned look he shakes his head.

“Nothing bad, I promise.”

He doesn’t wait for Victor’s response now.

He may fall asleep while walking.

He just needs to get to the bathroom.

He just needs to sit down.

He just needs a moment alone.

He feels bad for not going to the kiss and cry with his soulmate.

He can’t though.

He’s dizzy.

He’s hungry.

He sees someone… at least he thinks it’s a person, it’s so blurry.

He hears his name.

He keeps walking.

He’s hungry.

“Food…” he mumbles suddenly.

He needs to eat.

He sits down.

Where is he?

He wants to sleep.

“YUURI!”

Who’s that?

“Yuuri!!! Are you okay! Should I call for help? Yuuri say something!!!”

Oh, it’s phichit.

“...’m fine…” he forces out.

“No, you aren’t! Oh god, Yuuri you’re so thin! You need to eat something!”

“I…’m not h’ngry…”

“Yes, you are.”

He is.

He doesn’t WANT to be, though.

“...C’n you… C’n I… food?”

He should have eaten.

He was stupid to go so long without eating.

He knows that.

He doesn’t even remember when the last time he ate was!

Well he does, but he just threw it up afterward, and he and Victor both know it.

He hates it.

How can Victor still kiss him when his breath must always smell like vomit.

How can Victor still love him when he’s so damaged.

“Yuuri! Stop thinking so much. That’s why… why this happened. So, please. Please stop.” 

Phichit puts some kind of food in Yuuri’s hand.

Everything is moving so slowly.

So why does it feel like time is passing by to quickly?

“W’t is ‘t?”

He can barely speak.

“An apple I had in my pocket. Eat it.”

Yuuri takes a bite.

It tastes so good.

He takes another bite.

Then another.

He finishes the apple.

“Good. Now you need more food.”

“No. I feel better”

He doesn’t.

“No, you don’t Yuuri. Where is Victor anyways.”

“Dunno. How did I do?”

“You’re winning last time I checked.”

He’s glad.

Maybe he could…

He could eat something…

Really eat it.

“Food?”

“Okay! Let’s get something in you Yuuri…. And make sure it stays.”

Yuuri nods.

He isn’t sure what Phichit actually orders him.

He’s so hungry.

He’s disgusted with himself.

After all of his work.

No.

No. 

No.

Those thoughts are wrong.

“Eat.”

Oh, the food is here.

He takes a small bite.

God, he’s so hungry.

He takes another bigger bite.

Everything is still so fuzzy.

It’s better, though.

Phichit is worried.

He can tell.

“Yuuri… you told me that in the past you… but why… Yuuri, please! You’re seeing someone right!”

He shakes his head.

“What why! Surely Victor knows. Isn’t he making you see someone.”

“He knows… he’s taking care of it.”

“Yuuri. This doesn’t look taken care off”

Yuuri knows.

He knows.

He really does know.

This isn’t going to change.

He won’t shame himself that way, though.

He can do this.

Deep down, though…. He’s all too aware that he’ll never be able to do this.

He needs help.

Help that Victor can’t give him.

He needs Victor too, though.

He needs so much.

Why is he so needy?

All the people around him deserve better.

Phichit deserves better.

Mari deserves better.

Yuuko deserves better.

Nishigori deserves better.

His parents deserve better.

...Victor….

Victor especially deserves better.


	13. Shitty af Writing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ....I'm sryy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhhh I apologize for this messsss!!!!!!
> 
> And for how slow chapters come now!
> 
> And for the steady decline of quality and length in chapters.
> 
> I'm kinda a little bit depressed right now, when I first started writing this I was feeling a lot different.
> 
> Idk when I was on vacation I feel like I changed it's weird and I don't like it and my therapist rlly isn't offering much insight as to why.
> 
> Before I was always really anxious and worried and I was constantly doing something and taking on something and I was super stressed about my grades and I was just churning these chapters out and now I just feel like doing my homework is exhausting and I've been sleeping a lot.
> 
> idk.
> 
> And also I didn't rlly make a plan for this bfor hand and now I'm really writing myself into a corner so this story is going to have a rather abrupt end probably in a few chapters....
> 
> I'm sorry it's just that I'm not inspired to write this anymore and I'm not sure why because I love this story and the comments you guys leave me, and all the kudos that have been given... they've given me so much confidence and yet all of the sudden my mind is saying to just not write this anymore and go to sleep.
> 
> Even if this story will probably be ending soon... you guys have given me so much confidence and have revived my love for writing after it had been pretty much crushed by stories that received only a few comments or kudos.
> 
> So thank you guys and I hope you enjoy the rest of the story even if there probably won't be too many more chapters.
> 
> And after this I will definitely write another story, perhaps for Over the Garden wall or Gravity Falls... I've also had a few ideas for a Haikyuu fanfic, so please look for more of my works once this is over.
> 
> And... even if the story isn;t over yet, the thought that it will be soon is making me sentimental... so... Thank you guys so much for all that you've done for me! Even if those comments that say things like "This is so well written" don't seem like a lot....
> 
> They're so encouraging for me.
> 
> I want to be an author and you guys, you've been so much more encouraging for me, and given me more hope than my parents have ever even attempted to give me so, so thank you so so much and please stick with this story until the end even if the chapters are shorter than usual and the quality is shit.

Phichit was really worried about his best friend.

He was very worried.

“Yuuri you really didn’t eat a lot.”

He knows why.

That’s why they’re here eating together.

But still!

“Phichit I… but… this was…”

Phichit shakes his head “It’s fine I’m just worried about you is all.”

He wants to make Yuuri get better.

He knows though that, that isn’t how life works.

“Yuuri is okay if I talk to Victor about this.”

He doesn’t want to talk to Victor and then have Yuuri feel betrayed.

Still… he will if he must.

“...” Yuuri is silent for a moment, but after a while, he hesitantly mumbles “Yes…”

“Good!” Phichit is glad.

He needs to tell Victor that he cannot just ‘fix’ this.

Yuuri needs professional help.

“Where is Victor anyways?”

Yuuri winces.

“I uh… accidentally kind of left him in the kiss and cry”

Phichit frowns.

“It’s fine Yuuri I’m sure he understands. Let’s go find him”

He can tell Yuuri is wallowing in guilt.

It’s not good for him.

Actually, it seems that there’s a lot of things happening that aren’t good for him.

Yuuri is nodding.

The two friends get up.

Yuuri is tense, and Phichit can see he’s thinking too much.

Phichit supposes he’s thinking too much now as well.

“Victor!” Yuuri yells.

Victor turns around, his distressed look melting into relief.

“Yuuri! You’re okay~!”

Yuuri nods.

Victor wraps Yuuri into a hug.

“V-Victor… umm, Phichit wants to talk to me, I mean you, I mean, he wants to… yeah”

Yuuri seems tired.

“Oh, Phichit, how are you?”

Victor does too actually.

“I’m good, I actually wanted to talk to you if that’s alright.”

Victor nods “That’s fine with me” he seems a bit baffled.

“Yeah. Actually, can we step over here for a moment.”

 

“Sure, sure, Yuuri can you wait over here for a moment.”

Yuuri nods and seems to curl in on himself in shame.

Phichit sighs.

“He needs help.”

Victor winces “I know.”

“Then why aren’t you having him see someone?”

“I don’t know, I just, I don’t know I thought I should wait until after the skating season was over since making him stop might… I don’t think he could handle that, but it just keeps getting worse!”

Victor is stressed, and worried, and he obviously wants Yuuri to be okay.

Sometimes no matter how hard you try to do the right thing, Phichit realizes, his anger at Victor dissipating, it’s hard. 

This is so hard for Victor and it’s so hard for Yuuri and Phichit want to fix it.

He supposes that even if he just got involved, it’s hard for him as well.

“Victor… I don’t think this can be put off anymore. Maybe we can find a way to get him help without his skating having to be effected.”

Victor nods “If something doesn’t change I’m going to have to pull him. I’m scared for him.”

Phichit thinks of Yuuri, lying in the hallway, almost passed out.

Yeah, he can see where Victor is coming from.

Definitely.

“Victor he nearly passed out. That’s how I found out about this.”

Victor bites his lip “God… Phichit… I don’t know what I’m doing!”

It’s still a whisper so that Yuuri won’t hear, but he’s so desperate.

“I don’t know what to do but I have to know what to do or I might lose him, and god… I love him so much I can’t lose him! I finally found the perfect person and he can’t even tell that he’s perfect, and….”

Phichit stares as tears fall from the coaches eyes.

“I can’t make him believe that… before I came into his life he was okay, then I showed up and… and… now everything is worse. What kind of soulmate am I?”

Phichit doesn’t know what to do.

Nobody really seems to know what to do.

“I’m sorry, I just, this has been building up for a while, I didn’t mean to just tell you all that”

The coach is embarrassed.

Phichit feels bad for him. 

“Uhh… G-guys, are you done talking y-yet?”

The men look over at Yuuri who is staring over at the awkwardly.

Victor smiles fondly worry still heavy on his face.

“Yeah, if that’s all Phichit me and Yuuri are going to head back to watch the other skaters.”

Yuuri frowns.

Victor notices.

“Uhh, or something like that. I dunno.”

Phichit nods, “See you two later.”

Why can’t life just be smooth and simple every once in awhile?

Oh yeah, because it’s life.

_____

Yuuri is nervous.

Super nervous actually.

He got a personal best the day before.

He feels much worse today than yesterday, though.

He can barely drag himself out of bed.

He can barely force himself to eat anything.

He nearly throws up without even meaning to as well.

He isn’t really sick…

Well not with the flu or anything.

He’s obviously sick.

‘Sick in the head. You’re a freak.’ his mind oh so helpfully provides.

“Ughhh”

Victor knows the second he sees Yuuri that his performance isn’t going to be record breaking today.

“Hey just remember to try your best Yuuri.”

Yuuri shrugs.

Victor bites the inside of his cheek.

“So Yuuri I’ve been thinking” Victor starts, sitting down.

“Hmmm” Yuuri sits down as well.

“Maybe you should start seeing someone about everything, someone who can help more than I can.”

Yuuri stares, “Yeah…”

Yuuri knows he needs to.

He doesn’t want to, though.

He wants to… he just wants to be better so that he can live the perfect life.

His soulmate, his idol, actually wants him, and still, he can’t… he just can’t be fucking normal about that.

“Yuuri whatever you’re thinking about, stop it.”

Yuuri stares at Victor.

‘This is what I mean’ his brain continues ‘He even knows when you’re upset and you still can’t stop having these thoughts. You’re so weak’

He wants today to go away.

“Mk…”

He wants to go to sleep.

“Do you want to go hang out with Phichit and the others, get some breakfast.”

Yuuri gapes “I already ate, though!”

“Yuuri all you had was an apple, you’re going to go on to skate before lunch time so you need at least a little more…”

Victor sighs, “Please you have to eat something else or you can’t go on the ice. I won’t let you.”

‘He’s worried about you. You’re making him worry.’

“Okay…”

Yuuri wonders if seeing someone will help this.

He hopes so.

Nothing seems to be changing…

He wants it to, though!

He’s losing hope, though.

He wonders…

Will this EVER change?

And the thought that it won’t makes him wish he had never been born.

Because all his life is… it’s just him hurting people.

That’s all he can do.

Hurt people.

He just keeps hurting people.

He doesn’t want to anymore, though.

‘I can get better.’

So he goes to breakfast with Victor, and he doesn’t eat much but it’s something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like I said this is crap and it's really short but, please stick with me for just a few more chapters.
> 
> Just writing at all is kinda hard for me right now and I know that's a shitty excuse but it's true and I'm sorry.


	14. Blame is Useless(Finale)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for reading this! There's only one more chapter left, an epilogue.
> 
> That's right.
> 
> This is the last chapter.
> 
> I changed what i was doing a few times with this but in the end I think I'm pretty happy with it.
> 
> I can't tell you if it's realistic as this has never happened to me but
> 
> I tried my best and I like it.
> 
> You don't have to read the thing at the bottom.
> 
> Idk I felt inspired to write that.
> 
> It kind of fit with the way I ended it.
> 
> Oh and everyone, after taking a break I feel much better, well not rlly but much more inspired.
> 
> Less like I had to write this or I would disappoint you all.
> 
> ^-^ this is my most popular fic and idk if I'll ever post anything this popular again but I hope if any of you are interested in any fandoms I post for in the future that I write for that you read.
> 
> Oh that reminds me.
> 
> If you have any suggestions for what I should write for I love anime and musicals(and popular cartoons like Gravity falls, over the garden wall, and su)
> 
> Even if I haven't seen/read what you recommend if it has 50ish eps or under I'll watch you know.
> 
> Don't ask me to write for one piece plz XD
> 
> You guys don't have to obviously.
> 
> ENJOY!!!!! (All 14 pages XD)

“Yuuri!” an angry voice called.

Yuuri turned around.

“Yurio?”

Victor paused in whatever he was saying to Chris and spun around.

“Yurio!?”

“Don’t call me that dumbass.” he said to Victor.

The blonde walked up to Yuuri.

“I saw you on tv yesterday.”

“Uhh… okay?”

“You look even shittyer in person. What the fuck have you been doing to yourself, you idiot.”

Yuuri blinked, “Uh, wh-why are you here?” he trembles.

“What do you mean what am I doing here. I’ll do what I want.”

“Shouldn’t you be training, though. Does Yakov even know you’re here?” Victor pipes up.

“Whatever I’ll be back before they know I’m gone. As long as I keep out of his sight it’ll be okay. Besides, I’m just here to figure out what the fuck is wrong with Katsudon.”

“Uhmm, nothing.” Yuuri mumbles.

He’s trembling.

“Bull crap. You look…. Yuuri…” the teen's face softens, “Yuuri you know when I call you a pig, I don’t actually, I never really meant that. You were never fat b-but…”

Yuuri glances away.

“Yuuri you barely even look alive now… everyone… in Russia… most of them don’t even know you… I think I might be the only one who personally knows you but… everyone was worried about you.”

The teen looks uncomfortable, lowering his voice and staring at the ground “I was afraid you would pass out, right there, in front of me. I mean what if you had just... what if you die Yuuri. It’s not impossible… I… We’re friends right. You shouldn’t worry your friends like this!”

Yuuri stares at the blonde.

“I-I’m going to get help. Victor’s been trying to help me but… I’m going to get professional help. There’s no reason for you to be worried.”

Yuri looks like he wants to argue, but Victor puts a hand on his shoulder.

He gets the message.

“I’ll let you get warmed up then… but we’re talking about this the second you leave the kiss and cry.”

There is no room to say no.

Despite this Yuuri doesn’t want to have the conversation.

It was a mistake to come here.

It was a mistake to weigh Victor down like this.

...It was a mistake that he was born.

Yuuri is a mistake.

“Alright, I’ll go get warmed up.”

He overhears Victors hushed whispers to Yurio.

“You have to be careful with him. I don’t know what will upset him… I don’t really know much of anything…”

He sounds so hopeless.

Yuuri feels so out of it.

Almost like he isn’t even inside his own body.

Like he’s watching himself do stretches and exercises but not truly doing them.

Like when you watch a video game character fall to their death but you don’t really feel it.

You’re controlling the character.

You are seeing things through its eyes.

But you feel nothing it feels.

He feels so numb.

He follows Victor and Yurio out to the ice.

Everyone does well.

Normally he would be nervous.

He’s too tired.

“It’s your turn… are you okay? You don’t have to skate Yuuri, you’re… you’re not well… you look bad today.”

He nods.

He feels fine.

Music plays.

He starts too late.

His timing is off.

Whoops…

Is he supposed to jump here?

It’s too late he isn’t in position.

He jumps anyways, stumbling a bit.

Wasn’t it supposed to be a double… no, a triple.

Another jump…

His leg suddenly hurts.

Like it was just stabbed.

He hits the ice awkwardly, being thrown forward by the force.

He’s skidding across the ground.

He see’s everything spinning.

His vision is getting blurry… his eyes feel warm.

He’s crying.

It hurts but… he can only sort of feel it.

“YUURI!” he hears.

Is that Victor.

“OH MY GOD!” Yurio…?

“SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE!!!”

Can everyone just stop screaming?

He’s tired.

He can’t stand.

His legs aren’t that hurt.

“Oh god, I never should have let him go out there!” 

“He’s so thin…”

“Where are the paramedics!”

“Why did this happen…?”

Why is everyone crowded around him?

“Sleep…” he mumbles.

“NO! I’m not a doctor so I don’t know if you should do that yet, I’m rambling, just stay awake Yuuri!”

He isn’t sure he wants to.

Maybe if he goes to sleep everyone will stop looking at him.

_______

“He’s lucky to have survived.”

That’s what Yuuri hears when he opens his eyes.

He sees white and silver and yellow.

“Wha..”

His voice cracks.

He’s thirsty.

And everything hurts.

“Yuuri! You’re awake.”

Victor?

“Oh my god…” Yurios quite relieved voice is almost unrecognizable as Yuuri’s vision focuses.

“Gu-guys?”

He needs water, his lips are dry.

“Whe..ere?”

“The hospital… you crashed….”

Yurio puts a hand on Victor’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry, I should’ve gotten you professional help right away. I’m… I’m so sorry Yuuri.”

“It’s okay!” Yuuri exclaims.

Why would Victor apologize?

Victor had done nothing wrong.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Another man, one Yuuri doesn’t know nods.

Yurio is still just staring at him.

Is he… is the teen… crying?

“Yurio…?”

“I-I’m so glad you’re okay.” he wipes at his eyes, “Please don’t ever do that again… please get better Yuuri! You’re one of my only friends and I.. I…” Yurio looks away in shame “I don’t want to lose you.”

Yuuri melts inside with guilt.

Yurio is just a kid.

How could he put a kid through this?

He doesn’t know what to say to the young teen.

“Mr. Nikiforov, as I was saying” the man Yuuri doesn’t know, maybe he’s a doctor, interrupts, “I think that perhaps, Yuuri needs to take off the rest of this season, and take this time to recover.”

Recover.

“How bad are my injuries?”

Cause they feel like fucking hell.

“Oh, not bad, a few bruises, a sprained ankle. Your leg was almost broken. The fall wasn’t too bad, you did cut your left leg with your skate, but we stitched it up, be careful with it, though.”

The doctor sighs.

“I wasn’t referring to injuries received by your crash Yuuri.”

Victor buts in “Plus you were disqualified after not completing your skate… You can still practice, though… as long as you do what your… umm, therapists and such say.”

Yuuri stares up at the ceiling and nods.

This is okay.

He’ll come back next season healthier and more able to actually… actually perform well.”

The doctor rakes a hand through his head and looks at Yuuri.

“Yuuri, there are a lot of people who love you and they want you to love yourself. They want you to get better. Yuuri they… everyone… everyone wants you to be happy I think. Even me, even if I don’t know you, I’ve seen you skate. You’re amazing but I could tell you were underweight, even at Hot Springs on Ice.”

Yuuri is surprised this random doctor knows who he is… 

“I thought I was overweight then.”

“No. You were very underweight. Not as bad as now, though. Now, I’m going to need to recommend a therapist and a mental therapist, along with taking a break from skating, or at least intense skating until you get stronger.”

Yurio is still standing off to the side staring at everything almost unbelieving of the fact that it’s really happening.

“Hey Yuuri I’ve gotta go, it’s late and we’ve been here with you since yesterday when you fell.”

“YESTERDAY!”

“Yeah, they had to put you on drugs to fix up your leg. So you’ve been asleep since yesterday.”

Yuuri groans.

Yurio walks over to the door.

“Hey Yuuri, later after the season's over I’m going to visit you, and we’re going to eat katsudon together.”

With that, the teen walks out.

Yuuri smiles.

________

 

Yurio sighs in his hotel room.

Yakov knows he’s here now, he didn’t have the heart to say anything, though.

Yurio is glad.

He can’t really handle anything right now.

He sighs thinking back to what the doctor said.

All the way back at Hot Springs on Ice.

...Was this his fault.

“Piggy…” he whispers aloud.

He had called Yuuri that but…

He hadn’t meant it…

He had also been so harsh.

‘I’m a horrible friend.’ he thinks.

“I can do better, though.”

He wants to help Yuuri.

He wants Yuuri to get better.

He needs to go get Katsudon with Yuuri one day.

He will too.

He refuses to leave the Japanese man alone until they’ve had katsudon together.

“Agape.” he breathes suddenly.

Not only is his grandpa his agape… so are his friends.

Victor, Mila, and especially Yuuri.

Yuuri who Yurio remembers watching youtube videos of when he was younger.

Yuuri who he hated when he first met him.

Yuuri who he had angrily torn a poster of in half after he had ‘stolen’ Victor from him.

Yuuri who had become one of his closest friends.

Yuuri who he had been nothing but horrible too.

Yuuri who had treated him like an adult almost always.

Yuuri is a good friend.

Yurio will be too.

______

Victor wakes up early the next morning.

He needs to find a flight back to Hasetsu.

Not to mention a therapist, physical therapist, dietitian.

But… but Yuuri is okay.

He could have been hurt so much worse than he is.

All because Victor made bad decisions as a coach and a lover.

He should never have let Yuuri go out there.

He saw that look on his face.

He was so out of it.

So malnourished.

….If he could change it…

But at least… at least Yuuri is okay.

Yuuri is okay.

That’s what matters.

Yuuri is okay.

“I’m so glad…” he suddenly mumbles, hunching over his phone at a hotel desk, tears flowing out of his eyes so fast.

He doesn’t cry often.

But this…

He’s so happy, so sad, so nervous, so worried.

“I can do this.” he reminds himself.

“I’m his soulmate. I can do this.”

He will do this.

He wipes his eyes, tears still occasionally dripping down his face, and goes back to searching.

______

 

Phichit sighs.

He had gone with Victor and Yurio to the hospital, but all skaters flight home was scheduled for the next morning and he knew Yuuri was okay so he had to go.

He wasn’t there when Yuuri woke up.

He wasn’t there when Yuuri needed him.

Again.

He gets a call from Victor saying Yuuri woke up, that he’s okay, he’s okay.

He’s okay.

He’ll skype his best friend as soon as possible.

Phichit will be there for Yuuri.

He will be a better friend.

He will be a much better friend.

He’ll actually… actually, know about these things.

Not just when they’re so bad that Yuuri has taken years off his life.

No. 

Before they even become an issue.

He will be a better friend.

The best friend.

______

Yuuko can’t believe this.

She was the one who helped him the first time.

Why hadn’t he come to her?

Why hadn’t he…

They had gotten the call from Victor.

She barely believes it.

It hurts.

He always thought that Yuuri would be okay because SHE’S here.

Especially now that he’s in Hasetsu.

She wants to blame someone.

Yurio, after all, she overheard him call Yuuri a piggy.

Victor because he originally made fun of Yuuri’s weight, before she told him to stop.

But she knows…

This is no one’s fault.

Though she still can’t help but blame herself.

“I’m sorry.”

______

Yuuri stares at the wall in the hospital room.

It smells weird here.

It’s cold despite having a blanket.

He doesn’t want to be here.

He wants to go home.

He wants to get better.

This is his fault right.

Everything is his fault.

The look on Yurio’s face is his fault.

Victors exhausted worried voice is his fault,

Phichit’s half-hearted skating the day before is his fault.

Everything is his fault.

His fault.

Now Victor doesn’t even get to coach him.

That’s why he came right.

Victor just has to sit around while Yuuri recovers.

He’ll recover, though.

And come back stronger than ever.

Stronger than he’s ever been.

And then he’ll win gold in the Grand Prix.

He’ll show Victor he can do it.

He’ll show Yuuko he can do it.

He’ll show Yurio he can do it.

He’ll show everyone he can do it.

_______

He does it.

_______

Blaming yourself for things out of your control is a waste of time.

Even if they feel like they should be in control.

Some cannot control their own thoughts.

Some cannot stop themselves from hurting themselves.

Some cannot handle the pressure.

These people are told they should be able to do it.

Filled with negative thoughts fed to them from all sides

We cannot handle it.

That is what we think.

We can.

We can handle it.

We can try our best, and we can handle anything.

Some are on the outside

Unsure of how to help the ones they are close to.

Blaming themselves for what happens to others.

Don’t

It’s not your fault

It’s not your loved one's fault

It is no one’s fault

Blame is Useless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the last chapter, thank you for all your support guys!
> 
> If you want leave an idea for a future fanfic, I'll take fandoms and requests and stuff ^-^
> 
> Again thank you for everything~ See you in the epilouge.
> 
> (Honestly I feel so melancholy rn this has become part of my life since I started it omg! I'm finishing is ;u;)


	15. Epilouge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We are better than okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg is this really it ;o;
> 
> Nuuuuu I love this fic too much thooooO!!!!
> 
> I'm not sure what I'm going to write next but I've got quiet a few ideas and a long weekend to flesh them out ^0^
> 
> I really apreciate you reading this guys.
> 
> Also smone in the comments gave me the idea for this last scene so thank that person bcause it rlly tied everything together perfectly.
> 
> I'm proud of this,, I think that this story is one of the best things I've ever written.
> 
> You guys have been so encouraging this whole time and I apreciate that sooo so so so so much.

“Yuuri you can do this.”

 

“Victor there’s so many people out there though!”

 

“Yuuri you’ve accomplished so much, i think you can handle this.”

 

“But it’s such a personal issue though!”

 

“Yuuri you’ve got this. More people watch you skate than are out there right now”

 

“Bu-”

 

“Yes I know when you skate you can’t tell that they’re watching you, but Yuuri. Think of all the good this will do!”

 

“I…”

 

Phichit interrupts awkwardly “Yuuri you go on in 3 minutes.”

 

“Oh geez.”

 

“Yuuri you’ve got this.”

 

“Yuuri you can do this.”

 

Yuuri closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, opening them to look down at a body that to him looks chubby.

 

The doctors say he looks perfect though.

 

Victor does too.

 

“You’re on Yuuri.”

 

Walking out onto the stage, Yuuri inhales nervously.

 

Clenching his fists around the microphone he makes his way to the center of the stage.

 

“UMMmm Uhhh…”

  
  


 

The audience stares at him blankly.

 

“So uhh, I’m here to talk about my eating disorder.” his voice is high pitched.

 

“I’ve umm… I’ve always struggled with my weight, and I got bullied a lot as a kid.”

He thinks back to what Victor had told him the night before.

 

‘Think of this as if you were talking to me or even yourself. Pretend they aren’t there.’

 

This is so much more difficult than press conferences.

 

“So when I got older I started to develop bad habits to deal with everything. I did things that at the time seemed like the only way to handle things but then I realized that I couldn’t stop.”

 

This is so hard and yet now he’s started talking…

 

“As an older teen a friend of mine, Yuuko, helped me to get the help I needed.”

 

He can’t stop.

 

“Much later though, I rebounded. It was worse than before. I wasn’t sure what to do or who to go to. I felt like a disappointment to all those who helped me to get better the first time I felt like a disaster, and maybe I kinda was…”

 

He pauses.

 

“But my fiance and soulmate Victor, he helped me. He wasn’t sure how to really but…. He helped me. I’m sure some of you remember…. I passed out.”

 

He fiddles with his sleeve, wishing he could see past the fabric of his suit and know how Victor is feeling.

 

“I don’t remember much of the fall. Just that one second I was skating, I was tired and cold and hungry. I wouldn’t eat though. I didn’t want to be ugly. The next second though none of that mattered because there was a sharp pain and then nothing.”

 

Yuuri is pretty sure though… that he knows what Victor is feeling.

 

“No one should have to experience anything like what I did.”

 

Pride. Victor is proud of him.

 

“I want everyone to know that they are important. They are beautiful. No one should ever pick on people based off how they look, because everyone is beautiful. Everyone.”

 

Yuuri knows it.

 

“No matter what you’ve been told. If someone tells you you’re too fat, too thin, not curvy enough, mytoo curvy. If they tell you you look better without your glasses or that you have awful hair or if they tell you you just aren’t handsome, pretty, or cute.”

 

Yuuri stares the audience in the eye.

 

“They are wrong.”

 

People are watching, people are streaming this at home, sitting in front of tv, and some are even here watching him in person, talk about his pain and struggle.

 

“You are amazing. Everyone is. I can never help as much as I want to but… I’m going to do all I can.”

 

Yuuri isn’t afraid, at least not as afraid as he usually would be.

 

“So I’ve started a fundraiser. You can donate but really all you need to do is watch me skate because some of the proceeds go to it…. The purpose is to raise awareness. For bullying, eating disorders, depression.”

 

Behind the stage Victor stares at his wrist with tears in his eyes.

 

“I’m going to help. I’m going to find a way to make things better for at least some of us. We are not screw ups. We are okay. We have been pushed around and have come out worse from it but we are okay.”

 

Victors wrist is the most amazing shade of joyful green, prideful orange, and caring pink.

 

“We will be okay. I want to make more people better than okay.”

 

Victor thinks that it might be there on that stage that Yuuri truly realized that he was okay. That he was better than okay.

 

Yuuri stumbles off the stage, the audience clapping in the background.

 

“Oh geez, I got so carried away.”

 

“You did amazing!” Victor says wrapping Yuuri in a hug, enjoying the feeling that Yuuri was strong.

 

Yuuri is okay.

 

“Ahahaaha not really” Yuuri laughs embarrassedly. 

 

Victor just kisses Yuuri.

 

_____

 

At Yuuri and Victor’s wedding Yuuri had a large slice of cake, devouring it happy as he sat next to his husband.

  
Things may not always be perfect, he will always have his days.

 

They are okay though.

 

Victor and Yuuri love each other and they will be okay.

 

They will be better than on okay.

  
On Love: Soulmates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I thank you all one more time for reading this.
> 
> Like seriosly you guys are amazing.
> 
> Also can I reccomend a book and movie to you guys.
> 
> The Giver, cause like I just finished the book and movie and it's amazing.
> 
> I was thinking of doing a Victuuri or Otayuri fanfic based of it cause it's just so good! idk tho.
> 
> That p much means I will if I'm not too laz

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!!!!!! ^_^ It makes me happy!
> 
> Also comments make my day... so if it's not too much trouble, if you enjoyed, please leave one ^_^ You don't have too though!
> 
> Also there's no banquet in this story deapite that being possibly my fav part of the anime, because it didn't fit in with the overall mood of the story or the loose plot I've got sketched out in my head. ^-^


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